Cage Match! Historical figures edition

Marilyn Monroe. J. Edgar Hoover. Margaret Thatcher. Three iconic figures in three notable biopics released last year. Let's see what happens when we throw them into a cinematic steel cage match to the death. Move over, Katniss Everdeen. It's the Iron Lady wielding an iron battle-axe.

The Contenders

Michelle Williams as Marilyn Monroe in "My Week with Marilyn"

Leonardo DiCaprio as J. Edgar Hoover in "J. Edgar"

Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher in "The Iron Lady"

Round One - Educational Value

Both "J. Edgar" and "The Iron Lady" try to encompass all the big moments in Hoover and Thatcher's lives. "Marilyn" only focuses on the production of Laurence Olivier's "The Prince and the Showgirl," and the story is told through the perspective of a young assistant. Williams captures the essence and allure of Monroe, but the film purposefully stays an arm's length away from the starlet.

"J. Edgar" provides the most comprehensive history lesson, using the device of Hoover writing his own memoirs (though his recollection proves to be somewhat skewed). "Iron Lady" tries a more unique approach involving extensive flashbacks and conversations with Thatcher's dead husband. It's a confusing and ultimately shallow strategy, and the film chooses to make grandiose connections between Thatcher's world and the current political system with banal declarations of right and wrong. Hoover probably had more detailed information on Thatcher locked away in his secret file cabinet.

Result: Marilyn disqualified, Thatcher knocks herself spinning in circles for 90 minutes, and Hoover takes credit for defeating them both.

Round Two - Physical Appearance

"The Iron Lady" won two key Academy Awards that should matter here. Streep won Best Actress for playing Thatcher and the film earned Best Makeup honors for the number done on Streep's face. The old lady version of Thatcher is an especially inspired transformation.

In contrast, "J. Edgar" contains some of the worst old-age makeup transformations ever seen in a modern film. DiCaprio and co-star Armie Hammer (as Hoover's longtime partner, Clyde Tolson) look like something out of a bad "Saturday Night Live" sketch. You'd think wrinkly director Clint Eastwood would know what he was doing in this category.

As for Michelle Williams, no extensive makeup is needed. She's a beautiful actress and the performance is convincing enough that there's never a need to compare physical details.

Result: Marilyn escapes unscathed, and Thatcher throws acid over Hoover's face, making it look like that Nazi who gets his face melted in "Raiders of the Lost Ark."

Round Three - Romance

In the film, Marilyn starts out with Arthur Miller, experiences major sexual tension with co-star/director Olivier, and then spends maybe a week or so in bed with the young assistant. Should we expect anything less from the gal that basically represents American sexuality?

Thatcher has a devoted husband in Jim Broadbent. Boring until she starts hallucinating about him after he's dead.

As for Hoover, the movie suggests more than a little something-something with his partner, Clyde. And then there's that scene with the two of them in a hotel room...

Result: This is a family newspaper, for goodness sake.

Round Four - Entertainment Value

"J. Edgar" needs better makeup and a shorter running length, but the movie does a good job covering 40 years of Hoover's life, and DiCaprio is predictably solid in the role.

"The Iron Lady" is a terrible movie, one of the worst to ever result in a major Oscar win. Streep does a good job impersonating Thatcher, but the movie is a narrative mess that provides little information or entertainment value.

The fact that "My Week with Marilyn" captures just a short period in the actress' life ultimately proves to be its strong point. The smaller scope allows for more personal character moments, and Williams provides more insight into her character with far less screen time than her competitors.

Result: Hoover limps out of the steel cage, more confused about his sexuality than ever. Meanwhile, Marilyn's high heel proves to be more ironclad than the Iron Lady.

Ticket Stubs is sponsored by the Hayden Cinema Six. Showtimes at www.HaydenCinema6.com. Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com Read more film reviews at www.NormdogEntertainment.com.