Why we (still) need our girlfriends

by Maryjane Butters
| March 6, 2011 8:00 PM

Not a week goes by that we don't hear the results of another study on human behavior. These reports often try to explain present-day relationships in the context of evolutionary adaptations and the great race to survive. And it's truly interesting stuff. Up until very recently, well before the age of advanced social technology, people NEEDED each other, and not just for a pat on the back or company over a cocktail. They needed one another for basic survival. If men didn't have friends and neighbors to help them build their houses or tell them where to hunt, the family unit didn't make it. And if women didn't cozy up to other females for information and acceptance, well, they were just as doomed.

Now we can practically go days at a time without speaking to a single pal. But we shouldn't. The relationships that women form with other women are still relevant today, nomadic tribe or no. We still need the support of our girlfriends as much as ever. And to hear scientists tell it, that's because we're strikingly similar to the hunter-gatherer women who came before us.

First off, women tend to seek connection, approval and a sense of belonging, so we generally look for reasons to agree and sympathize. This trait may have helped our female ancestors to do everything from forming new bonds with other women to solidifying the family's status in the tribe, and ensuring sources of childcare. Bottom line: women would rather love ya than leave ya, and that's just fine with me. There's an old Swedish proverb that says, "Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it." In our darkest moments, when we just don't have the strength to see ourselves objectively, our girlfriends are practically programmed to provide the unconditional coddling that we're hungry for.

Secondly, we often expect the men in our tribes (er, lives) to understand and fill our unspoken needs. Scientists believe that women have always valued this trait because it indicated a responsible mate who knew how to support the family. And it often was, and still is, a fair expectation. But it can be also be a short path to disappointment. There are days when we should fight for our right to be understood, and times when we should pick our battles. Primitive women understood that for some things, they'd just have to rely on their circle of gal pals. The same holds true today. When the chips are down and men seem like another species entirely, our girlfriends have historically always been there to "get" us - no explanations necessary.

Another thing we share with our female ancestors is the craving for constant communication. Yeah, yeah - we've all heard one too many jokes about women being able to talk the hind leg off a horse. But they don't call gab a gift for nothing. A woman's ability to chat is thought to be a development aimed at gathering vital information, confronting simmering tensions, smoothing ruffled feathers, suppressing violence and calming fears. You know what? It still does all of that. Put several women together and let the conversation flow - the things that result are pure magic.

And then there's the salty kind of communication - tears. The jury's still out on why exactly we cry and what purpose it serves. But some scientists believe that emotional tears are a uniquely human adaptation that wordlessly alerts others to danger, distress and hidden threats. When speaking aloud was risky or impossible, our nervous system found a way to get the message across. We don't use tears to escape predators anymore, so tears have gained an unfair reputation as a sign of weakness or loss of control. But when you're in the company of good girlfriends, there's no need to suppress a good cry for fear of making anybody uncomfortable. Cry all you want - no self-respecting gal pal would think you any weaker for it.

Speaking of constant communication, it's a sad fact that few of us get to see our best girlfriend every day. But I count myself among those fortunate few, as you know if you've ever heard me go on about my friend Carol, lead designer for my books and magazine. The special joy and support that Carol brings to my life is enough to tell me that our girlfriends are anything but outdated. In fact, they're one adaptation that I'm convinced is here to stay.