Simple thoughts

I am a simple man. I've heard these words recently and consider myself the poster child for simple. Some suggest I know more than I do or think more deeply than I should. This is not the case. I see what I see and observe the world as it truly is. The following are the thoughts of this simple man about the world I observe.

Simple thoughts on marriage. I see many couples choose to get married at the end of their relationship, which is why I believe many marriages end in divorce. Here is a scenario. Two people fall passionately in lust with each other, vow to be intimately exclusive, become bored in the relationship and believe the reason for their boredom is lack of commitment. One person suggests the need for a commitment ceremony and their romance reignites in anticipation of the impending wedding and honeymoon.

The couple marries then boredom reenters the relationship and one person suggests the reason for boredom is the need to grow their family. The woman becomes pregnant and the spark lights once more. The child is born and once again, the family becomes exciting. After time, intimacy disappears. Due to the struggles of raising a family, frustration, anger, fear and anxiety take hold creating more strife. The couple begins to argue by calling names, bringing up past failures, criticizing small imperfections or simply saying nothing at all. The lustful passion from the beginning of the relationship is extinguished and the marriage dissolves.

Most failed marriages lack a foundation. Building a foundation for a healthy marriage increases the relationship's chance for success. Picture this: two people are attracted to each other, become passionate and wonder, "Is this the right person, my soul-mate, my life-partner?" Before the marriage is the right time to answer these questions, not after a couple is married. How many children do you want, what is a healthy way to mediate disputes, do we really love each other, what is not negotiable in our relationship, how do you see your future, how important is family, what about religion? Answering these questions before two people marry might save a marriage or eliminate the possibility of divorce due to incompatibility.

What is love? Love is simple. Love is lying on my couch in the living room of my home, watching TV and falling comfortably to sleep knowing my wife will escort me gently to bed. Love is, after 28 years of marriage, talking with the one I love about dreams and desires and really feeling heard. Love is unconditionally and uncontrollably laughing at a little girl who calls me grandpa because she smiles, then laughs when I ask if she is the cutest and most beautiful girl in the world. Love is getting unexpected butterflies in my tummy when those I love, love me back.

My simple thoughts on labels. Labels are unimportant nomenclature that makes some feel important while degrading those unable to obtain the significant sign. Last week my wife and I dined at the Sardine Factory in Monterey, Calif. - voted one of the top 50 restaurants in the United States. We ate there because of their notoriety - their label. The food was average but the service spectacular. We paid $180 for the status of eating at the Sardine Factory but enjoyed our $40 dinner at a nameless restaurant suggested by our hotel more.

While in Monterey, we visited Carmel By The Sea. Most people we met sported expensive clothes, shoes, purses, cars, phones and coffee cups loudly stating the owner's status. I first felt inadequate, then unaware, then thought it funny when a person walked by with a large logo on their dress shirt or purse.

I've fallen into this vapid vacuum of status in the past and realize how unimportant the labels I display reflect the real me. Wearing the right label requires too much thinking for this simple man. If the clothes fit and look nice, I wear them; if the car is reliable and comfortable, I drive it, if the coffee comforts, I drink it and if the food tastes good, I eat it.

I offer a few quick thoughts of this simple man.

• Drug and alcohol abuse are a choice and not an illness. If one chooses to drink or ingest drugs, one can choose to stop using and drinking - simple. If one believes they are sick and have an illness that needs treatment to become well, that person gives up freewill and their internal power to control their own life.

• I think any job that pays money is worth taking. In my simple mind, earning a living offers reward over being given money for subsistence. Declaring a disability, mental deficiency, physical impairment or laziness when one is able to work, creates a sense of entitlement and unworthiness making life unimportant and meaningless. I believe when a person declares a disability but has the ability to work, they degrade the person with a real disability unable to work.

• People are responsible for their actions. People do what they do by choice.

• Being honest is not necessarily important and lying is required on occasion.

• Death is not final. Recently I thought of my grandma Mackenzie who died seven years ago and my grandpa Mackenzie who died six years ago. I thought of their home, their belongings, their animals and their being. I thought out loud, "There is nothing in this world that represents the time my grandparents spent on this Earth." I've always thought existentially, that I must leave a permanent footprint of my existence on this Earth before I pass to ensure my life is purposeful and felt my grandparent's life not purposeful because they left no footprint behind. Then I thought, "If I am thinking about them, if they made a difference in my life, their life had purpose!" Living is not necessarily the path walked but the path laid.

• Living a healthy life is simple. Eat only when hungry, move your body in play, work equal to the amount of food you eat and smile more than you frown.

• Happy people tend to make those around them happy and grumpy people tend to make those around them grumpy.

Bill Rutherford is a psychotherapist, public speaker, elementary school counselor, adjunct college psychology instructor and executive chef, and owner of Rutherford Education Group. Please e-mail him at bprutherford@hotmail.com and check out www.foodforthoughtcda.com.