My latest parenting mistake

I'm filled with gladness, and at times no small amount of wonder, at my re-discovery this week of my own capacity to grow. I'm mentioning this to all of you because of the response I received from last week's column. In my column, I confessed my current parenting difficulty, specifically my kids dating.

I still argue the way we handle dating and courtship in this country is, if not the worst way we could do it, then it is certainly a bad way. Our nation leads the western industrial world in teenage pregnancies, and our incidences of dating violence and STDs are much higher than they should be.

In case you are unaware, we have only been using one-on-one dating as the primary vehicle for courtship for less than 75 years; especially in rural areas, which made up the vast majority of our population. Before our current system, we had used what might be called "the Grandma dating network," under which, your grandmother and your spouse's grandmother would get together and set the two of you up. There are a number of ways in which the change of systems has contributed to our current social problems.

Obviously, if the amount of time a young couple is allowed to spend together is limited, there is less opportunity for trouble. Families have to work much harder now to get to know their children's object of affection. And, not least in our consideration, is the lowering of age that kids begin to date.

I have held the views I just outlined for many years, but in recent months I have allowed the fearful part of those views to override my sense of adventure and the wonder of learning about romantic love. I hope you will not make my mistake. Over the last week, I have come to draw an analogy between dating and high adventure. If properly trained and equipped, and proper levels of supervision are provided, then high adventure and dating can be wonderful growth opportunities; however if a parent fails in training, equipping or supervision, then life changing, or even life ending, consequences can result.

My criticism of dating as a social construct notwithstanding, if a parent has built years of trust and lines of communication with their child and then the parent pushes themselves firmly in their child's dating life until that child is an adult, the child is much more likely to navigate dating successfully. Our kids know dating is a leash that is played out, or drawn tighter as necessary, based upon academic performance, behavior and even the trust level we have for their date.

I am still convinced that as a society, we handle courtship very poorly, but I'm also convinced that parents are the key to turning most of those negatives into positives for our kids. I wish all of you as much success as we are currently experiencing, and to my fellow Dads: if you will keep my hairline in your prayers, I will certainly do the same for you!

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He is an international speaker with two books and a DVD that can be purchased on Amazon.com. He can be reached at mark@leadright.net.