Family Matters March 7, 2010

With the exception of 1998 and 1999, family violence has fallen for the last 16 years. According to one of my high school classmates, who is the Director of a Domestic Violence Advocate program in Texas, much of the decline is due to better training of police officers, and the change in law in many states mandating if police are called, someone must be arrested. Increased awareness of the problem, as a problem, and the resultant change in law has begun to change attitudes.

Continued attitude shift is going to be the "magic bullet" that eliminates domestic violence if anything will. My friend made the comment she has been doing this long enough now that she had her first woman raised in an abusive household who is now in an abusive marriage. The woman's father abused the woman's mother and because she was raised to believe this was "normal" she grew up to marry a man who abuses her.

This pattern is unfortunately the norm, as we learn our ideas and patterns of relationship from our parents' relationship. This is why advocates and sociologists speak so often of "breaking the cycle" of domestic violence. As I mentioned, family violence has fallen for the last 16 years, but will only continue to fall if we keep domestic abuse in the spotlight, continue to make domestic violence not socially acceptable, continue to report abuse and continue to actively demonstrate healthy relationships to our children.

The other bit of good news is how easy it is these days to get help. We have moved a long way from the 1950s when no one talked about domestic violence and abusers were empowered by anonymity and no legal consequences. Now, if they act before

the law gets involved, men can protect their privacy and get counseling help if they wish to make themselves healthier and stop their own abusive behavior, while women can get help for themselves and their children.

There used to be a time when counselors and domestic violence experts advocated ending a relationship with an abuser, often tearing apart a family in the process. Now, it is much more common for these experts to try to save marriages and family bonds while helping the family change their interactions and behaviors to become healthier. The hope is this new approach will cause families to be more likely to ask for help earlier in the cycle, be more receptive to counseling, and then more successful in the long term, breaking the cycle of violence.

My friend didn't have hard numbers in front of her, but estimated 3 out 4 couples who successfully go through counseling, do not end up in her office again. Some of those people move and all of them get older, of course as men get older they are less likely to abuse; but even after you adjust the numbers, counseling, intervention and legal action are clearly having a positive effect.

If you need help, or you know someone that needs help, please contact your local domestic violence advocacy program. You can find them in the phone book or on the Internet, or you can talk to your family doctor or a member of the clergy. Let's continue to work together as a community to eradicate this family and social malady that has harmed our families and communities for so long.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He is an international speaker with two books and a DVD that can be purchased on Amazon.com. He can be reached at mark@leadright.net.