Support group helps widows get through grief

PAUL - At 89, Cleora Bills still drives and lives by herself. Until last year, she mowed her own lawn.

Bills uses that independence to make sure Minidoka-area widows, like herself, get out of the house and on with their lives. Staying social helps some widows deal with loss.

Bills has plenty of experience with grief. In addition to two sons dying, she lost her first husband almost 30 years ago, then 11 years later married her second husband, Noel Bills. Noel died in December 2006, leaving her a widow once again.

To help herself and others cope with the passing of their spouses, she organizes socials and drives other widowed ladies to church. She also gets women together to quilt for a church charity a task that's easy to hold in her living room, she said, because it's big and she lives alone.

Although she misses Noel, his passing has been easier than the first time she was widowed, she said. But her daughter-in-law, Judy Maxfield of Rupert, said she thinks Noel's passing was harder on Bills.

"They both were retired at the time and she actually spent more time with the second husband," she said.

Regardless, Maxfield agrees that staying busy and faith were both crucial to Bills' coping. They call her the neighborhood activity director, Maxfield said.

Although Bills has helped a lot of women, she said she gets as much out of the activities herself.

"It helped me as well as them," Bills said.

Janet Mink, a Twin Falls widow, said seven widows currently live in her Twin Falls cul-de-sac. The women get together often to share gossip, drink wine, play dominos or quilt.

"When we first started getting together all the time, we called ourselves the Scott Court Widows Association," Mink said, although that name changed to the Winettes for their love of wine.

Three of those women have lost husbands since they lived there, while the rest have been widows since they moved into the neighborhood. They help each other through their grief a support network Mink wishes she had when she lost her husband 25 years ago. At the time, many of her friends were still married and slowly drifted away.

"No one cut anyone loose in this neighborhood, "Mink said.

Phillip Kottraba, director of the Twin Falls Senior Center, said staying busy helps center members who have lost a spouse. Although there are no support or activity groups at the Twin Falls center, he sees friends often reach out to the newly widowed.

"Generally we let them handle it in their own way," Kottraba said. "When they come in we try to pay more attention."

Depending on how long a person has been widowed, Kottraba might encourage them to join a support group or, if it has been several years since the spouse died, a dating website. Several couples have met at the senior center after their first spouses died.

Rose Irwin, site manager of the Hagerman Valley Senior and Community Center, said many Hagerman widows volunteer including her sister. Some deliver meals, while others work at the center's thrift store. Others get together for an aerobics group.

No matter what they're doing, staying busy helps them keep their minds off loneliness and grief.

"They're just happier," Irwin said. "They've got something else to think about."

And having some company doesn't hurt.

"All I can do is try to help them stay social," Kottraba said. "That's what helps, I think, is the friends and neighbors."