The Exhausted Dad: Raising a bro’s bro
My 8-year-old son unironically engages in what I like to call "Bro Behaviors."
He refers to friends as, “Bro.”
He likes watching YouTube personalities … specifically ones about gaming.
He adopts “brainrot” lingo much faster than his older siblings: "6-7," "mid," "crashing out," etc. These things wore out their welcome here well before popular culture caught wind.
Most significantly, when excited, the boy shouts, “LET’S GOOOOOO!” Not because he’s going anywhere. It’s the variety of “LET’S GOOO!” or “I’M PUMPED” that squinty frat boys yell when Aaron Judge crushes a homer, or when Gordon Ramsey tells a heavily tatted wannabe chef on “Hell’s Kitchen” that he doesn’t have to cook on the same team as a girl.
You know, the type of person who yells “VEGAS BABY!” even at Northern Quest Casino.
Eight years old is about the oldest you can be before the Bro Behavior goes from innocently charming to mildly irritating. For the uninitiated, the scale goes like this:
Ages 0-3: Adorable Bro
Ages 4-8: Innocent Bro
Ages 9-12: Mildly Irritating, Try-Hard Bro
Ages 13-17: Annoying, Hopefully They Get It Out of Their System Bro
Ages 18-70: Insufferable Bro
Ages 71 and above: No Bros live past 70. They’ve all died in a surfing accident by then.
The scale can be flexible, and a Bro at age 8 doesn’t always mean you’re a Bro for life, but I’m worried he’s about to inch into "Mildly Irritating."
I sincerely hope not, because his version of Bro Behavior still comes with empathy and kindness. He yells “LET’S GOOOO!” at other people’s achievements. He likes to help others and is considerate of other people’s space and feelings. If only all the Bros could follow suit!*
*I know a lot of nice Bros of all ages. We’re having a little fun. No letters to the editor!
If my son becomes a Forever Bro, I only have myself to blame. I call people Bro. Like everybody. I once almost said, “Your Bro-ness” instead of “Your Honor” in a courtroom.
I’m pretty sure I’m not a Bro. I don’t own a football jersey. I don’t know what IPA means. But I do like to say Bro-y things ironically and to joke around, presumably so I still feel superior to all those dudes who won’t invite me to their poker night.
Here’s the thing though: Pretending to be a Bro, even just to mock them, is actually quite fun. Have you ever yelled, “LET’S GOOOOOO!” when you completed a crossword? It’s exhilarating! Did that puff pastry come out of the oven glistening and perfect? WHOOO! BETTER THAN VEGAS BABY!
Bros exist because it’s fun. But if you do it too much, you might find yourself tailgating at a high school football game. Be careful not to fly so close to the sun.
For now, my little Bro yells, “LET’S GOOO” when he plays with his Spider-Man action figures or when his classmate tells him he got all the questions right on the math test. High five to multiplication!
Charming, Innocent Bro.
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Tyler Wilson is an attorney, a freelance writer, and parent to four kids, ages 8-14. He is tired. He can be reached at [email protected].
The Exhausted Dad