The Exhausted Dad: So you want to date my teenage daughter…

Dear Teenage Boy Who Asked My Daughter to the Dance:

Hello. My daughter probably already told you I’m a bit of a wild card. It’s not that I’m trying to embarrass her with my loud recitation of '90s pop and hip-hop lyrics in the school drop-off lane. I’m very high energy sometimes.

Now, I won’t be the type of dad who will try to intimidate you when I meet you at the front door. Yes, I have multiple baseball bats, but I’ve also been to law school and understand the meaning of imminent fear of bodily harm. Threatening to hurt a teenager for no good reason is a tort!

I’m not so traditional to expect you to pay the full bill on a date. I am, however, here to tell you that my daughter doesn’t have a job, so when she pays for her half of the meal, it’s really me paying for half a meal. So I’m slightly annoyed that you’re costing me money.

Now, I want you to really focus on this part, Roger. I’m calling you Roger even though your name isn’t Roger because you didn’t give me consent to use your real name, which is Bentley. Oops, sorry, Bentley, I mean… your name is Roger!

Seriously though, I know you’re shy and you were nervous to ask her to the dance, but you need to understand the consequences of your tardiness. When you ask a girl to a formal dance three days before the event, you create a scramble for her to find a suitable dress to wear at that dance.

By suitable dress, I mean something she likes that DOESN’T cost me $150. This isn’t prom, bud. I got married in much less expensive clothing.

By waiting until the last minute to ask her, you created a scenario where my wife worked extra hard to find an affordable dress, then performed emergency "Project Runway" surgery on the dress. Could I have helped more? Yes, but in my defense, nobody listened to my suggestion of, “Let’s just go to Target, and it’ll figure itself out.”

Anyway, my wife worked extra hard, which means I needed to make sure she knew I appreciated all her work. I can do this, sure, but I’m ALWAYS nervous to do it right.

Also, bud, if you know my daughter is going to wear a fancy dress, maybe re-think your plan of wearing the tie with several cartoon characters on it.

Actually, I take it back. I like the tie. I’m jealous because I’m not brave enough to wear something similar in court.

From what I hear, you are apparently a very nice boy. So, plan ahead and save me money when you can! Or at least tell me that you have the inside track on a part-time job for a 14-year-old without a driver’s license.

I also wouldn’t mind if you bought me a soda or something if you’re already going to Circle K. What’s another $.99 for the opportunity to make a good impression?

Just know that if you hurt her, you will (REDACTED FOR LEGAL PURPOSES).

Sincerely,

The Father of the Girl You Asked to the Dance on Such Short Notice.

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, an attorney and parent to four kids, ages 8-14. He is tired. He can be reached at [email protected].

      

    The Exhausted Dad