The Exhausted Dad: Cookies are for closers

Let me have your attention for a moment.

So, you’re talking about what? Not selling enough Girl Scout cookies? Complaining about some sale you botched? Some son of a Boy Scout who doesn’t want to buy, somebody who doesn’t want what you’re selling?

Let’s talk about something important. I sold ALL your cookies this year. I sold them to MY co-workers, to YOUR grandparents. I brought you to the cookie booths and managed ALL your money. Those cookies sell themselves to those poor suckers walking through the entrance of the grocery store.

I even sold them to myself, buying a stack of boxes you were supposed to sell around the neighborhood. I see the boxes, but I don’t see the cash. By my count, you went to about six houses before coming back for ice cream.

Oh, you don’t think you have to listen to me because cookie-selling season is over? You certainly don’t, pal. Because the good news is you’re fired. That Girl Scout camp you wanted to go to this summer? I can’t afford it because I pre-ordered all these (expletive deleted) Do-si-dos.

You got one week to sell the rest of these cookies I bought, starting tonight. Oh, I have your attention now? Good.

Because I’m adding a little something to your troop’s sales contest. As you all know, first prize is an all-expenses paid week at Camp Four Echoes.

Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives.

Third prize is you’re kicked out of the Troop. You get the picture?

You got leads. That retired lady down the street has a real sweet tooth. Mr. Johnson on the next block is addicted to coconut. He’s already got six boxes of Samoas with his name on them.

You can’t close the leads you’re given, then you can’t close sh--... Sorry, you’re right. Swearing is only allowed while stuck in traffic. Regardless, hit the bricks pal and beat it, because you’re going out!

Remember: A-B-C. A – Always. B – Be. C – Cookie-selling.

Oh, you don’t think we need to sell these cookies? Because we live in a two-income household? Take a look around. Do you think I drive an $80,000 BMW?

Do you see this watch? This gold watch on my wrist? Of course you don’t see a watch, because I can’t afford one. Because I bought all these cookies you were supposed to sell!

The money’s out there. You pick it up, it’s mine (not yours, because I’ve got about $400 invested in Thin Mints over here). Don’t just go sit around during your troop meeting, complaining, “Oh yeah, I used to be a salesman, it’s a tough racket.”

And yes, I do have new leads. All those folks reading the newspaper who just realized cookie selling season is over. They’re clamoring for those Trefoils, especially now after this lazy rehash of that speech from “Glengarry Glen Ross.” I mean, yes, the speech from that episode of “Teen Titans” you like so much.

These are the leads, and to you, they’re gold. And you don’t get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They’re for closers.

I’d wish you good luck, but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it.

And to answer your question, “Why am I giving you this speech?”

Because if you don’t sell these cookies I’m going to be poor AND I’m going to get diabetes.

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Tyler Wilson is freelance writer, an attorney and parent to four children, ages 8-14, including a Girl Scout. He is tired.

    The Exhausted Dad