Traditions of Christmas: Messes and laziness
The Wilson Family traditions center on comfort, survival and a lack of hygiene.
With the kids home for Christmas break over the next two weeks, a key objective will be to make sure everyone bathes or showers at least occasionally. A couple of my kids don’t like to slow down long enough for basic human needs. My oldest son fights me the most about taking a shower, mostly because he “never has enough time.” I’ve never seen him take anything longer than a five-minute shower, because anything more might disrupt his breakneck lifestyle of playing on his computer and harassing his sisters.
In addition to potentially stinky children, our house also suffers a crisis of cleanliness during holiday break. Dishes pile up while clothes, blankets and literally dozens of Squishmallows get tossed about the house. Mix in a few of my youngest son’s Hot Wheels and action figures, and we’ve got potential backbreaking hazards at every turn in the house.
It all builds into my primary holiday tradition: washing more dishes and griping to the kids about their various piles of unkempt stuff. (Just ignore MY pile of stuff in the corner there).
OK, so some of the other Wilson Family traditions at least capture the spirit of holiday cheer. A rundown of our December so far:
• Advent Calendar. We usually attempt to count down the days until Christmas with a box of festive trinkets. This year we have a Pixar-themed Funko minifigure calendar. We opened the first five days all at once Dec. 5. I’m writing this Dec. 18, and we haven’t remembered to open one since the fifth. It’ll be fun to open several of them at once, at least.
• The Holiday Concert Gauntlet. With four kids, the festivities converge (all during my finals schedule, no less). The concert lineup: fifth grade orchestra, fourth/fifth grade choir, seventh/eighth grade band, seventh/eighth grade jazz band and second grade play. At least the band versions of Mariah Carey Christmas music hit with the same zip as the originals.
• I take my kids to the movie theater occasionally, but we rarely go to see something as a group of six. As a regular moviegoer myself, I don’t like the limitations associated with being in a big group. When I see a movie by myself, I can generally move away from chatty folks or that one guy who inexplicably decided to order the nachos. Anyway, we all just saw “Moana 2,” and because all four of them absolutely ADORE the original, we walked out of the theater with a wide variety of opinions (and only a couple moderate tummy aches from the scarfing of popcorn).
My oldest daughter, the OG “Moana” devotee, had the most specific feedback of the group. As the 13-year-old daughter of a movie critic, I expected nothing less.
Her comments: “I have been waiting LITERALLY YEARS to see this movie. I liked it. I did NOT like the songs … you can’t replace Lin Manuel Miranda. He’s too GOATED. Also, there was not enough DEATH in the movie. I needed someone to die. The first movie has a death and it made me feel sad, and that’s what makes it special, and I WANT TO FEEL SADNESS in this movie. I need it to pull on my heartstrings. Anyway, I would give it a six out of 10.
• We watch a LOT of TV and Christmas movies over the break, mostly because it’s safer for us to sit on the couch and try not to navigate the various landmines of stuff strewn about the living room. We watch holiday baking shows and old Christmas episodes of “Bob’s Burgers.” They’re up to watching most Christmas movies, but I’m fascinated by what have become their absolute MUST-WATCH films: Those would be “Home Alone” (I assume they like it because I can essentially reenact the entire movie word for word), as well as the Disney+ original film, “Noelle,” which I will admit is super underrated and charming thanks to the presence of Anna Kendrick and Bill Hader. We save “A Christmas Story” for Christmas Day, where I like to play it on a loop in the background, preferably with commercials to emulate the TNT/TBS “24 Hours of ‘A Christmas Story’” that single-handedly makes the case for the enduring survival of traditional cable television.
• We eat food. We don’t make a lot of food, as that would create more dishes for me to wash. Microwavable mashed potatoes, pre-cooked ham and store-bought pie and cookies. We “might” make some cinnamon rolls “from scratch” on Christmas morning … it’s an old family recipe where you pop the can on the dough and spread the package of frosting over the top once they come out of the oven. If Dad makes them, half the frosting goes onto one particular roll.
• One last major tradition: My wife and I procrastinate for most of December, thereby requiring us to basically wrap everything Christmas Eve. Although this year, I believe a new tradition might be born. A tradition where we wrap things at a steady pace, clean up the living room and have a festive, fun Christmas Eve without stress. I still believe in the magic of Christmas, so I can dream, right?
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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer, full-time student and parent to four kids, ages 7-13. He is tired. He can be reached at [email protected].
