Tech talk

Do you remember when computers were new to our lives?

When you were pretty snazzy to have a big metal box on the desk in the living room.

When the World Wide Web was capitalized (and internet, too).

Email chains (pass this on to 10 of your galzzz who could REALLY use a lift — in pink, underlined, italicized AND bolded letters). Dial-Up. Angelfire.com. MSN chat.

And the conviction that computers were really going to revolutionize our lives, make them easier.

OK, so I’m glad for the role tech plays in things like sophisticated medical imaging, complex math, and whatnot. And it’s pretty nice to type this on a computer, deleting whole paragraphs at once without hand cramps from writing as fast as I can.

But how many times of the day are spent fussing over tech? Our computers are absolute babies — wailing, spitting up and foaming, in need of only the most tender care and help. And no matter how many stickers you put on them, they’re a heck of a lot less cute.

Smart phones are so convenient … until you spend over an hour culling photos to send someone. And culling the same photos. And resending them. Then again. Because the dang-nab (I didn’t say dang-nab) contraption (I didn’t say that either) wouldn’t send so many photos at once. Then it wouldn’t send half as many at once. The interweb fairy managed 15 fine, then only 10, then for some reason struggled with five. We finally compromised on three.

And the recipient? Probably overjoyed to receive five separate emails, plus a couple of repeats.

It’s been awhile since I’ve sorted my physical photos, but I’m pretty sure it was a lot more fun. And the worst you had to deal with was a dropped pile. Your purse certainly never told you 20 photos was too much.

My mother’s life is run by her Roomba, whom she inexplicably loves. “Roombie” takes a good two hours to clean the top floor — maybe an hour-long job. He gets stuck and begs for help. He hits the wall a lot. He runs out of battery quickly. He’s a few years old and already confused, waking up in the middle of the night to beg you to “Please put Roomba home to charge,” even when he’s already there.

OK, maybe he’s just haunted by a cranky spirit.

How many emails have you lost in the past month?

How many ducking autocorrects hve yew delt wit?

Ever notice how your program crashes the very moment you need it most? Hope it’s OK to send that report in an extra hour late. Do you think the IRS will notice if you e-file your taxes 18 minutes past midnight on Tax Day?

Even the programs that put together this newspage are dramatic. Half the time stories don’t automatically show up where they’re assigned and have to be placed manually. Sometimes edits are made and disappear. Microsoft Word, just about the only program I do trust, will probably try to sneak something in when I’m not looking.

It’s almost like these dastardly digital demons are sentient.

Errr, maybe I’ve been a little hasty. Computers aren’t all bad right? I love reading on my phone in a pinch. And a laptop is much easier to tote around than a typewriter.

Who even misses the days when you could go out and not have to — I mean get to! — overhear everyone’s TikTok videos?

Thank you, tech overlords, for your beloved inconvenience.

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Elena Johnson can be reached at ejohnson@cdapress.com.