THE CHEAP SEATS with STEVE CAMERON: Meteor holes, and M's who could be on the move

We’ve waited a bit too long, so let’s get on with a “Notes and Quotes” today, eh?

First of all, you need to know I’m playing in pain.

Sprained an ankle?

Broke an arm?

Nope.

I went out on one of the few truly sunny days we’ve had so far, played a round of golf without wearing a hat, and …

Well, I cooked my face.

If it were a pizza, you could take it out of the oven now.

I look like a ripe tomato with arms and legs.

And yes, it HURTS.

Oh, my goodness, it hurts.

I wish I had stock in several products that contain aloe.

But pain is no excuse.

You’ve got to have some notes and quotes.

Onward …

ITEM: Yes, I’ll concede I wasn’t too bright getting a world-class sunburn.

But at least I’m not buying a “meteor shirt.”

Have you seen the ads?

Major League Baseball has collaborated with the brand Off-White to sell team jerseys, hats and other apparel with huge holes in them.

Just to make it sound upscale, they call these things meteor holes.

But what’s REALLY upscale are the price tags.

Fans of six teams – Dodgers, Cubs, White Sox, Marlins, Athletics and Blue Jays – can buy these goofy items and go broke doing it.

A regular ballcap with a couple of holes sells for $260, but hey, if you want a jersey, that will set you back $1,030 — and those are not typographical errors.

Everything about these insane products makes me laugh, but other than the cost, I think the funniest thing is that every jersey says “YOUR NAME” on the back.

That doesn’t mean you’ll get the thing personalized with your own name.

It means you’ll be walking around — as pedestrians topple over in hysterics — wearing an item of clothing that says: “YOUR NAME.”

Oh, and the number 23.

Everyone is 23.

But don’t forget those cool meteor holes when you see that item on your credit card statement.

ITEM: Spotrac, the firm that specializes in the financial and analytical side of sports, has published a list of MLB teams, and what they’re likely to be doing prior to baseball’s trade deadline.

Spotrac created four categories: Buyers, Window Shoppers, Stuck in the Middle, and Sellers.

Despite their disappointing start, the Mariners were put in the “Window Shopping” category – but what catches the eye are the specific players Spotrac thinks Seattle might be willing to unload.

Here are a few, along with Spotrac’s comments…

MITCH HANIGER (OF, 31)

Haniger is set to hit the open market this fall, and with plenty of young talent ready to come through the pipeline, probably doesn’t factor long term. He’s not slated to rejoin the team from the injured list until Mid-July, so the timing might not allow a trade to happen, but his $2.7M deadline salary isn’t dreadful.

ADAM FRAZIER (2B, 30)

Acquired last winter from San Diego, Frazier is having one of his worst statistical seasons to date. But his pedigree and career on base percentage could attract a low risk move come late July. He’ll cost around $2.5M around that time.

JARRED KELENIC (OF, 22)

The big piece in the Robby Cano/Edwin Diaz trade with the Mets, Kelenic has done more swinging and missing than anything in his Mariners tenure. Can the Mariners find another top prospect fizzling out to swap one-for-one?

Wow!

Note to Spotrac…

It wouldn’t make sense to move both Haniger and Kelenic, or a crowded outfield suddenly would become pretty bare.

Plus, Jerry Dipoto’s reputation is on the line with Kelenic. He’ll get every chance to make it in The Show.

(WHITE SPACE THEN BOLD CAPS)

ITEM: This is my favorite sports tale in, well…

Maybe forever.

In the relentless search for a doctor who might ease a decades-long problem in my back, I met Dr. John Clough, one of the top neurosurgeons in the Midwest.

It turns out the doc is not only a medical genius, he’s a bona fide character.

Most of his work now concerns brain surgery, which is scary just to think about.

In the course of our conversation, Dr. Clough mentioned that he does some brain operations during which the patient has to be conscious.

“I need to know their reactions to certain things,” he said. “But to keep them from being too frightened during the procedure, I’ll just make small talk to get them thinking about something else.

“I did surgery on a man that I knew was a big Nebraska football fan, so while I was working, I asked him about that.

“He said, ‘Oh, yeah, I’m a real Husker guy.’

“So I told him, ‘Well, I hate to break this to you, but after I’m done with this surgery, you’ll be rooting for Oklahoma.”

(WHITE SPACE THEN BOLD ITALICS)

Email: scameron@cdapress.com

(WHITE SPACE THEN ITALICS)

Steve Cameron’s “Cheap Seats” columns appear in The Press three times each week. He also writes Zags Tracker, a commentary on Gonzaga basketball which is published monthly during the off season, and weekly beginning in October.

Steve suggests you take his opinions in the spirit of a Jimmy Buffett song: “Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On.”