The stay-at-home dad: Creatures of the neighborhood

Join me as I take my family on a safari to discover all the animals that live within a few blocks of my house.

Sure, my kids have seen a wider variety of animals at the Boise and Oregon Zoos, the Oregon Coast Aquarium etc., but it’s been a couple years now so the kids settled into a routine of discovering comparably unexciting critters around the neighborhood.

Back when I had just a couple of younger kids, I took them on a sightseeing visit to Petco, where we’d find exotic fish, reptiles, colorful birds and rambunctious kittens. I refuse to take my four kids there all at once, and I think the staff and other patrons of Petco should personally thank me for the quiet shopping experience you’ve had in our absence.

Instead, we choose to make a commotion in our own neighborhood. Marvel at the creatures of our recent expeditions:

Barking dogs

At least eight different dogs bark at us incessantly every day. I don’t know if this happens for every passerby or if they really just hate the Wilsons.

Cats

A variety of cats visit our backyard to poop in our flower beds (thanks, jerks), but we also sometimes encounter them on walks. My 6-year-old daughter, an otherwise brave soul who is skittish around all animals, darts into the middle of the road (hopefully absent oncoming traffic) if one of these cats comes within 10 feet of her personal bubble.

Squirrels

We don’t see too many of them, honestly, but that might change once the weather warms. Last fall, the kids decided to collect and take home approximately 900 acorns from the only acorn-producing oak tree in the neighborhood. If those squirrels survived the winter, I fear that war is coming.

Sparrows

A million of them, it seems. They plant themselves on the roof of our house and dart off with a startling woosh when we open the front door. Dramatic much?

Crows

Loudmouths, honestly.

Geese

They fly overhead in droves at all times of the year, and ever since the kids saw the enormous dookie one of them left on the windshield of our van, the kids cover their heads and take cover until the flock flies over.

Owls

Kind of a new addition to the habitat. Late at night, just outside my boys’ room, we occasionally hear an owl hoot in a very specific way, as if to call out to one of his bird friends. One night we heard another owl respond from what seemed like a few houses down the road, and the two “talked” to each other for a full hour after midnight. True story: Around 1 a.m., an unknown neighbor went outside and yelled “Shut up, owls!” but they continued on anyway.

Raccoons

Just one raccoon so far. At Christmastime, we left carrots outside on our back deck for Santa’s reindeer. They took a few of them but left several chunky bits of veg behind. Because it’s winter and we’re lazy, we left those chewed carrots on the deck for WEEKS.

Cut to last week around bedtime for the kids. My wife hears a loud BANG from the deck and thinks someone is sneaking onto the back porch. I didn’t investigate the noise directly because I don’t live in a horror movie. Instead, I shut out the lights, quietly locked the sliding glass back door and peeked out another window to catch a glimpse of the intruder. It turned out to be a giant raccoon tossing bits of those rotten carrots around. My kids were downstairs and didn’t have time to get back up to look, so we recorded a quick cellphone video through the window and showed it to them later. The 6-year-old refused to go in the backyard for several days. The raccoon hasn’t returned, and he still left some rotten carrot bits behind. They’re still there.

Coyotes… or banshees

Late at night we frequently hear terrifying, screeching howls that, to me anyway, sound like a bunch of drunken teenagers goofing around in the woods. I’m told that it’s actually coyotes, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they were ghouls, obnoxious teenagers or, my prevailing theory, obnoxious teenage ghouls riding ghost coyotes.

Ants

My 4-year-old son fears many typical things for his age — the dark, inanimate plush toys and certain images from that time we showed him “The Goonies” at a way-too-young age. One of his strangest fears is of ants. I go on walks with him during the day when the other kids are in school, and he spends much of that time telling me all about the various zombies and skeleton goons he vanquishes in his dreams and while playing “Minecraft.” Then he looks down at the ground and sees an ant.

“WHOA! Look out! That’s an ANT! They SCARY!”

Deer

Haven’t actually seen any deer in the neighborhood for a while, oddly, but the kids like the metal deer statues in one of our neighbors’ front yard. One of them is wearing a face mask. Clever girl.

Wasps

NOPE. My kids do not hold space for these flying monsters.

Bees

We acknowledge your importance to life on Earth, but kindly get the (expletive deleted) out of our faces, bees. You look like wasps.

Spiders

We encounter spiders in our house often, especially in the bathtubs. Spiders keep other bugs away, and everyone in the house loves “Charlotte’s Web.” And yet, all four kids react the same way upon seeing one.

“DAD! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!”

My secret shame: I’ve murdered hundreds of spiders in my time as a parent, and I worry that one day they’ll start a war with me. Then we’ll be fighting squirrels and spiders at the same time.

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer and stay-at-home dad to four kids, ages 4-10. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.