THE CHEAP SEATS with STEVE CAMERON: Goddesses, guns, brooms ... and cheating

In case you’re wondering…

No.

I haven’t been watching the Winter Olympics.

There just aren’t any sports that featured prominently in my life — unless you count rum-fueled, extremely mediocre downhill skiing.

Overall, my feel for the Winter Olympics can be slimmed down to just a couple of takes …

First, I wanted to marry East German figure skating goddess Katarina Witt, back when she was winning gold in 1984 and ’88.

She probably didn’t get my letter, since she was receiving an estimated 25,000 proposals per day.

Bad timing, Katarina, although now you might even have my cell number.

However …

You may have waited too long, since I’ve found the love of my life.

OK, so much for discussing the absurd dream of meeting a global icon three decades ago.

More to the point …

Witt is still a major voice in the skating world, and she’s has had plenty to say about the current Olympics (and Russian wonderchild Kamila Valieva), which we’ll reference in a moment.

PLEASE, though, recall that I mentioned a second image bouncing around in my head concerning the Winter Olympics.

This one came from a comment made by a stranger, right out of nowhere, as we watched just a few seconds of the competition on a restaurant TV.

“I don’t get this thing at all,” he said, meaning the Winter Games in general.

“There’s some event where guys are skiing along, and then they stop to pick up guns.

“What’s THAT all about?”

Good question.

Maybe Norwegians and Finns have to be sure they’re properly armed when they ski off to work.

Just kidding.

Besides, there’s another event where household brooms come into play.

Anyhow …

That’s about all I know of the Winter Olympics, except that the Russians engage in serial cheating (so often it’s almost become boring), and they remain totally shameless about it.

No matter how often the Russians get caught, or how outrageous the violation, they keep coming back, and unbelievably …

The International Olympic Committee finds a way to allow it.

If you’ve followed these Games at all, it’s likely you know about Valieva, the 15-year-old phenom who experts claim is the best figure skater in history.

COULD Russia just let her perform, dazzle the world and pick up her gold medals?

Of course not.

Valieva failed a drug test in December, when she was caught competing with a substance in her system that increases blood flow.

I mean, she’s only FIFTEEN … so you know it was the adults around her who had to be responsible for whatever cheating occurred.

These are the same Russians who are already banned, as an official team, from international competitions.

That’s punishment for a state-sponsored scheme instituted when they hosted the 2014 Winter Games in Sochi.

That scam involved passing “clean” urine samples through a hole in a wall to avoid athletes being disqualified.

No surprise, then, that these not-Russians (remember, they can’t officially compete as a team), claimed that Valieva accidentally used her grandpa’s heart medicine.

Seriously.

THE IOC continues to embarrass itself, so in this case they’re letting Valieva compete — the Court of Arbitration for Sport ruled that she had to be treated as a “protected person” because she’s a minor — but they won’t hold a medal ceremony when she wins.

If it weren’t all so brazen, it might be funny, but …

It’s not.

Everyone involved with elite-level figure skating is angry that Russia continues to laugh at all the rules.

“It’s a shame,” said Witt. “The responsible adults (coaches, trainers, doctors, etc.) should be banned from the sport forever.”

Let me take that a step further, Katarina.

Forget this little hand slap of skipping the medal presentation, and other fake punishments.

Make it real.

Ban all Russian athletes from the Olympics as repeat offenders.

Let them apply for reinstatement in eight years.

Or never.

Email: [email protected]

Steve Cameron’s “Cheap Seats” columns appear in The Press on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. He also writes Zags Tracker, a commentary on Gonzaga basketball which is published weekly during the season.

Steve suggests you take his opinions in the spirit of a Jimmy Buffett song: “Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On.”