The stay-at-home dad: Chores and the disappearing kid

My 8-year-old son is an excuse machine.

Chores, schoolwork, following basic rules around the house… he has an answer for everything. When he doesn’t, he vanishes. Does our house have some kind of “Parasite”-style bunker in the basement? Is there an attic or crawlspace I don’t know about? Where does this kid go?

His excuses for not doing something I asked him to do are varied-yet-predictable. Mostly, he pretends he didn’t hear the instructions, or he gaslights you into thinking you never asked him in the first place.

Me: Hey buddy, I thought I asked you to put your Lego set away?

Him (variation No. 1): Huh?

Him (variation No. 2): I didn’t hear you ask me that.

Him (variation No. 3): You never told me to do that!

It takes a few requests from me to get him to do anything, honestly, though the other three kids need some reminders as well. At bedtime, for example, I probably say “Brush your teeth” and “Fill up your water” approximately 635 times per night.

Most kids need gentle reminders about a lot of things. My oldest son, however, knows exactly what he’s doing. When it comes to skirting responsibilities, he’s diabolical.

Case in point — our family generally devotes a 15-minute period before dinner for putting toys and blankets away, picking up art projects, sweeping, vacuuming, etc. Everyone generally helps without complaint, even our 4-year-old, despite his general “Caillou”-esque attitude these days (just ask any parent about that chill-inducing PBS Kids show).

Our 8-year-old has a great attitude about this clean-up period… probably because he knows in his heart he’ll only end up participating for about two minutes.

Strategy No. 1: He finds one item in the living room that belongs in his bedroom — a blanket, a Minecraft book, etc. — then disappears to his room downstairs for the duration of the clean-up period. It doesn’t take 15 minutes to throw your blanket on top of your bed, kid!

You can holler for him and he’ll pretend not to hear for a while. If you go down to check on him, he’ll say with a hint of sass, “Oh, I just came down here for a minute to put this away!”

Uh huh. Sure. If you call him out on this particular pattern of behavior, he responds with more sass:

“I don’t disappear. I clean up more than anyone!”

Strategy No. 2: He goes to the bathroom. Just pee. For 15 minutes!

Me (almost every single day after the 15-minute clean-up period): “Where have you been?”

Him: “I just had to go potty for a second!”

Me: “No way it took you 15 minutes to pee.”

Him: “I thought I had to go poop so I tried for a while.”

Lately, I’ve learned to ask him to go to the bathroom just before clean-up time. He says he doesn’t have to go, then asks to go two minutes into clean-up time. If I say no, he responds, “You tell us we shouldn’t hold it for too long if we have to go!”

If that doesn’t work, he picks up a toy or two, then sneaks out the sliding-glass back door and onto the deck. If you go out there and ask him what he’s doing, he responds one of three ways:

Excuse No. 1: I thought we were done with clean-up.

Excuse No. 2: I’m cleaning up the deck!

Excuse No. 3: You never told me it was clean-up time!

I can’t wait for when this kid has substantial homework to do every night. At least then maybe his teacher will be able to corroborate his gaslighting.

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer and stay-at-home dad to four kids, ages 4-10. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.