The stay-at-home dad: Breaking the chain of screaming

All my advice can be traced back to pop culture.

I’ve never called this space an advice column, because I often write about experiences in which no helpful information can be gleaned. Anyway, I’m not an “expert” in parenting any more than any other person out there with kids. I don’t have an educational background in child development, and, let’s be honest, I’m not filling my days studying developmental research or reading parenting books from the real experts.

I do, however, have an unusual acumen for applying relevant ideas from popular culture.

I’m not an epidemiologist, but I do know Steven Soderbergh’s “Contagion” absolutely nailed this pandemic business before anybody ever heard of a coronavirus. And I know how something as simple as buying a sports almanac can lead to cataclysmic, time-altering personal repercussions. Great Scott!

I’ve been reminded of another piece of pop culture wisdom lately… an episode of the 2000s-era CBS sitcom, “How I Met Your Mother.” In it, one of the main characters, Marshall, played by Jason Segel, is struggling to endure screaming fits from his verbally abusive boss (the brilliant Bob Odenkirk in a guest role). Marshall’s friend Barney, played by Neil Patrick Harris, tells him to release the anxiety and trauma by screaming at somebody below him on the corporate hierarchical chain. This is known on the show as “the chain of screaming.”

This is terrible advice, obviously, and Marshall learns the consequences of such a practice before the episode’s conclusion. However, we all recognize this “chain of screaming” from some aspect of our lives, be it a bad job or a sour customer service experience and especially in parenting.

With four kids in our house, an outsider might conclude that 75 percent of all our communication should be designated as “screaming.” In most cases, we’re all just talking loudly, because, you know, there’s a lot of noise in a house of six people, four of which don’t have driver’s licenses and thus can’t drive away to a quieter place.

However, yelling and screaming happens from time to time in our house, and everyone is guilty. I’m never proud of these moments. I’ll be frustrated or stressed or the kids will keep doing something they shouldn’t be and they didn’t respond to my previous five calm requests. Then boom. I lose it. I yell. I say things I don’t mean.

Nobody’s perfect. My wife and I firmly believe that when blowups happen, we need to do the repair work. When you’ve made a mistake as a parent, it’s important to acknowledge it, apologize and see how you can do better in the future.

The yelling and the screaming though… man, it can lead to long-lasting repercussions, and I’ve witnessed the endurance of the chain of screaming. My kids are best friends… but they also find a thousand ways to anger each other over the course of the day. Then I hear the words they say to each other and how they say them.

They get mad like how I get mad. They say the things I say.

“FIGURE IT OUT!”

“Just do what I say!”

“Why do you never listen to me?!”

“Ugh, you’re ALWAYS ruining my stuff!”

“I don’t care what you’re doing right now. I told you five times to PICK THIS UP!”

They not only use phrases I’ve said, but they’re saying it in the same jerky way I did in my lowest moments.

In my house, I’m technically at the top of the chain of screaming… except that, as it was also revealed “How I Met Your Mother,” the chain often connects into a full circle. My 10-year-old has blown up at me, and I’ve very much recognized the hurtful words I once used with her.

Hearing these words through a “mini-me” is a sobering experience, and it’s made me want to work even harder at being more patient and a better listener. Because losing my temper has never made anything better. The same behaviors reoccur (kids will be kids) and my yelling is simply adding another link of negativity and hurt that grows the chain.

While the “How I Met Your Mother” episode played the chain of screaming for laughs, its lesson continues to resonate. The episode even included a bit with one of the other characters who is a teacher and how the “chain” applies to kindergarten power dynamics.

Now if I can just figure out how to apply “Jurassic Park” to my parenting playbook, I’ll be able to use this column space to talk about dinosaurs every week.

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer and stay-at-home dad to four kids, ages 4-10. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.