MLP: Oxymorons for the advanced beginner

Mrs. Language Person’s sense of humor is eggheaded. Give the joke an oxymoronic bent, and it’s fairly obvious she can’t stop giggling.

“I am a deeply superficial person.”

“Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.”

“You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.” — Dolly Parton

Come on, Dear Readers, admit it: Dolly’s made you laugh. Her natural makeup is a genuine imitation.

An oxymoron is a word or phrase with opposite meanings. Most are two words side-by-side, but a few are compound words, such as bittersweet and spendthrift (which D.P. apparently is not). But the best of all oxymorons is perfectly itself: Oxymoron, loosely translated from the old Greek “oxos” (sharp) and moros (dull, as in mentally).

While she loves the humor, your MLP also finds it inexplicable that humans ascribe cohesion where none should exist, between opposites.

How is it possible to be alone together? In a small crowd? Does one need earplugs or a hearing aid for a dull roar? Deafening silence — same question.

No elopement can be an open secret; it’s either secret or it’s out in the open. That’s blindingly obvious.

Good grief! (Oops. MLP slipped; just act natural.)

Your MLP has become quite corpulent; she diets on any food she can get her hands on. It’s disgustingly delicious. (Now she’s laughing so hard, her muscles ache. Please pass the Icy Hot.)

This is the original copy of another unimpressive MLP column. It’s getting pretty ugly, but if you’ve come this far, Dear Reader, continuing must be your only option. No shock that MLP fans — once a large minority — are growing smaller.

That’s about as logical as the liquid gas that cooked last night’s jumbo shrimp.

Some oxymorons have a political or philosophical twist, like government intelligence. Is there really such a thing as a “civil” war?

America’s political perspectives have become approximately equal, and some might’ve called the pandemic a minor crisis, but we still somehow slog along in divided unity. (Yes, Readers. That one was an organized mess, but you try to pack those three in one sentence).

Did you know most devout atheists are clearly misunderstood? (MLP expects catching that two-fer was a definite possibility.) Coming up with a complete list of oxymorons in random order (ugh) could be a full-time hobby.

Perhaps the mother of all oxymorons in 2020 was social distancing. But that’s just old news.

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Mrs. Language Person and Sholeh Patrick are columnists for the Hagadone News Network who have nothing better to do than come up with bad humor. Email them at [email protected].