Stepfathering is an art form
“Father” means so much more than biology.
Everyone’s story is different; father-figures include grandfathers, uncles, big brothers and family friends. But the most common among what we used to call “non-traditional” (now more traditional) fathers are stepdads.
They’re ball-tossers and teatime sippers. Dance dads and assistant coaches. Chauffeurs and dinner chefs.
Thirty years ago and based on pre-1990 statistics, the U.S. Census Bureau predicted that by now, blended families would outnumber the rest. While that hasn’t happened, by sheer headcounts more than 50 percent of children under age 13 now live with a stepfather. With so many it’s a wonder that stepdads — so influential in children’s lives — still don’t get the attention they deserve.
Being a stepdad is a unique challenge, especially at first. Children have confused and mixed feelings about new parents in their lives, with understandably divided feelings of loyalty. The couple may be in love, but stepchildren typically don’t know the new dad very well, and respect doesn’t happen instantly or as naturally as when the parents have been there since birth.
So, experts say, it takes a lot of understanding, patience, and not months but years for those feelings and relationships to settle into a mutually comfortable groove.
Tip from experience: Letting your stepdaughter paint your toenails in four-color sparkle glory, then forgetting to wipe it off before hitting a crowded steam room at the gym, buys a lot of Brownie points.
University of Nebraska communication department chair Dr. Dawn Braithwaite studied stepfamily relationships in 2018. She found that the “turning points” in blended families took at least two years.
Transitions and trust take time, she writes, and the stepdads who do best don’t jump into parenting roles without first building up rapport with their stepchildren.
“In the first two years, it’s paradoxical,” Bray says. “If he tries to become too engaged in parenting before he establishes a relationship with the stepchild, the child pushes back.”
Children’s health experts say what works best is less of an authoritarian approach (leaving that to the biological parent), and more of a safe friend approach, at least until that adjustment period turns the corner. That’s especially true with teens, who tend to resist most.
Meeting those emotional outbursts with calm and affection is a talent worth developing while they’re tweens and teens, because it can result in more appreciation and closeness in later maturity. Father’s Day cards from our son have become virtual novels since adulthood.
Patience and effort pay other dividends. In a 2017 interview with Fatherly.com, former American Psychological Association president and stepfamily book author James Bray said the vast majority of kids in stepfamilies fare pretty well, and better than kids without active fathers or father figures in their lives.
“Having an engaged stepfather contributes to (well-being),” he said. “Stepfathers who are more engaged tend to have stepkids that are better behaviorally adjusted.”
Psychological research confirms younger children with engaged stepdads (and all dads of course) have better cognitive abilities and fewer behavioral issues. Adolescents with engaged dads have less depression and later sexual debuts. And at all ages, kids with engaged father figures tend to do better in school.
Those great, fully engaged dads — whether by birth or marriage/partnership — are a lifelong treasure. Patient and compassionate, rarely missing a recital or game, carving out time in busy days to play on their kids’ levels, available to talk or listen with wisdom and without judgment well into adulthood. They understand that kids need to feel they don’t have to choose among competing parental loyalties or affections.
That’s not easy, and it takes a lot of under-recognized commitment and unlimited love. Not to mention feeling secure enough not to destroy photographic evidence of yourself in your wife’s nightgown, gaudy makeup and flowered hat. True story.
So here’s to the great stepdad in our house (with innumerable homemade “Stepdad of the Year” awards to prove it!), and all engaged dads out there; you are deeply appreciated.
Happy Father’s Day!
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Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network who won the life-partner lottery some 20 years ago. Thanks for all the bribes, sacrifices and love every day since, Baldy Waldy.