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Respect: It's the glue solution

| June 10, 2021 1:00 AM

Respect doesn’t mean embracing another’s viewpoints (although remaining open to broader understanding is the beginning of growth). It means communicating without angry emotion, insults, or interruptions. It means remembering the person who thinks differently is as human as anyone else, with their own histories, feelings, and — yes — good intentions, seen from their own vantage point.

People always have and always will disagree. Yes, often those are about very important things with high stakes. Yet once upon a time, as memories and longtime politicians have verified, vehement disagreement co-existed with less mutual mud-slinging and less polarization across what feels like this unbridgeable, high-strung American divide.

Are we broken?

No; there is always a solution. We’ve come back from worse. The question is how soon we’ll do what inevitably becomes necessary.

Inevitable because divided, we fall.

Let’s be realistic. “United” will never mean in full agreement. Such a utopian ideal is incompatible with humanity. Our individual natures, our differences in thought, were by democratic and republican government design meant to aid reasoned, creative, and flexible approaches to evolving society and needs.

Civil discourse (i.e., civil argument) is meant to lead to practical and balanced solutions addressing a variety of aspects to any issue. If, and only if, that discourse is framed with respect.

Without it, we demonize one another. Feelings get hurt. Neither side feels heard, and conversation devolves into emotional tirades (inner or vocal) — all utterly useless for getting anything done. It’s everywhere: In social forums both virtual and actual, from congress to councils. Even within families.

That’s where we’ve gone wrong, so it’s where a solution begins.

Respect isn’t caving in, and it’s beyond tolerance. It’s seeing the “other” (person, position, whatever) as human — worthy of the same respect, in communication and presupposition, as ourselves.

That goes for all sides and no “buts.”

Respect for another’s humanity is the ability to disagree without hating, without seeing anyone with a different perspective as evil. Understanding that, as passionately as we feel and as much as we perceive at stake, in the other’s mind they have arrived at their position for reasons they see as just as passionately important — often, it’s those underlying premises where the real difference lies, not the end result of political opinion where we currently focus.

Ironically, at the core surveys repeatedly show our basic values are much the same — nationwide, worldwide: Love of family. Safety and financial security. Liberties. Safeguarding all those breeds passionate feelings, and our experiences, personal histories, and knowledge bases lead us to different conclusions on how to protect those common values.

That’s where respect begins. Knowing that under the words, the needs are the same.

In other words, we once were, and could be again, polar opposites who break bread, smile, and actively care about each other’s welfare — politics aside.

We need something deeper. As a fractured nation with dwindling respect, the ability to disagree yet not hate or judge (the person, if not the position) is as fleeting as it is essential.

As Marquis Fulgham, an ex-Marine who won accolades for his essay criticizing tolerance as a solution, put it in a public dialogue:

“It’s asking yourself the relevant questions that allow you to introspect more, the questions that force you to be honest. ‘Am I accepting (of the person)? Am I empathetic? Am I kind?’

“Those words, they mean something. Kindness — different than nice … And being empathetic is putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and being able to relate to how they feel.”

Efforts to add the respect glue are spreading, even if still drowned out by anger’s loud clangor. No fight can last forever; exhaustion and dysfunction will see to that.

Grassroots groups, politically neutral nonprofits, individuals and news organizations are trying to foster and find the glue. The latest example is the Monitor Daily’s “Respect Project,” an initiative driving reporters to look for examples of the glue in contentious places.

People, stories, and successes where respectful communications and better mutual understanding happen. Where lives intersect and opposing sides discover, “Hey, they’re human. Maybe they even have a point I understand, even if I still disagree with it.”

Openly asking for and listening to their “why.” That’s where it begins.

Monitor stories include finding Israeli and Palestinian lives intersecting, trying to find solutions with mutual concessions, or simply voicing shared pain. Public online discussions of volatile issues without fanning flames, and with active listening.

A Twitter “war” exchanged respectfully. Exploring fairness in religious liberty vs. LGBTQ rights. The popular Canadian TV show, “Blind Date” — between people with opposing views, sipping coffee and keeping it civil.

There’s a book trend about communicating with respect when you strongly disagree, with authors coming from both conservative and liberal backgrounds. In “High Conflict,” bestselling author Amanda Ripley posits no conflict is unresolvable, if people cast adversaries as human again.

Reviewers say Julia Galef’s “The Scout Mindset” encourages readers to practice thinking devoid of subconscious self-deception, preconceptions or confirmation bias — like a scout charting a map and avoiding obstructions. She writes that too many people operate with a “soldier mindset” that taints public debate and has led us to tribalism, overconfidence, and inner echo chambers where no growth can happen.

Instead of aiming directly to change others’ minds, she says, start with common ground.

In my brief days as a mediator, we were trained to do that with opposing litigants. Always start with common ground. That’s where we see one another as human again, and can communicate with respect.

The glue of respect re-establishes the common ground of humanity we share. From there, tempers settle so life can move forward again.

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Sholeh Patrick is a long-winded columnist who hasn’t given up on respect. Email Sholeh@cdapress.com.