The very best love is agape

Never mind overpriced flowers and candy. Love isn’t supposed to be about “stuff,” anyway.

For Valentine’s Day, let’s explore love, starting with language.

Language reveals much about how cultures see things. In English we have simply one word, lumping romance, friendship, family, and favorite foods in the same pot. Consider “doost” or “dost,” which in some Eastern languages is the same word for both “love” and “friend.”

Ancient Greeks went the opposite direction, with seven words for love. With apologies to any Classicists reading this for the generalities, subdividing love is more apropos of humanity’s complex array of affectionate feeling. And boy, do we need a lot more of one of them right now.

Eros. Our modern construct of romantic love. According to myth, it’s a form of madness resulting from Cupid’s arrow. Can’t argue with that.

Philia. True friendship, with mutual benefit, companionship, and goodwill. Ideally philia coexists with other kinds of love.

Storge. Familial love, the fondness born of family connections and dependency.

Ludus. Our culture probably wouldn’t call this love. Ludus is more about play, flirting, fun, or casual romance.

Pragma. Practical, founded in a sense of duty and longer-term interests. Not so much sexual attraction as compatibilities and shared goals. Arranged marriages are pragma, but other relationships which begin with eros or ludus may also include or end with storge and pragma. In fact, different combinations of the seven better reflect relationship realities.

Philautia. Both the healthy and unhealthy kinds of self-love. Hubris and arrogance, bad. Self-confidence and positive self-esteem, good.

Finally, there is agape, which we seem to have forgotten in this divisive world. Think Buddha and Jesus, although it’s not about religion. Agape is universal love. It can be spiritual. It can be the feeling of connection with nature. With strangers and all living things. Giving a da** for others without a personal stake in it.

Altruism lives here. The unselfish concern for others known and unknown.

Agape is the highest level of love, and in pure form provides a sense of euphoria, like that helper’s high. Studies confirm it helps the body too, improving mental and physical health; some research indicates agape in action extends life span.

More to the point of agape, this form of love includes the maxim so many religions share: “Love thine enemy, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you.”

That’s hard. Why do it?

Beyond spiritual beliefs and benefits, the irony is that letting go of that twisted feeling of fear, resentment or anger, with all the associated stress relief, makes us happier. Agape’s selfless love benefits self. It also tends to deflate the “enemy’s” hold on us, reducing that power — or rather, returning it.

Love is a form of knowledge, and knowledge is power.

Practicing agape doesn’t necessarily mean giving in to what others want. It does mean caring about what others want and trying to understand why, simply because we value fellow man.

Beyond feeling better practicing agape, we might actually get along better (or we’ll be less troubled when we don’t). We might solve more problems, working toward mutual benefit without the stressful inner constrictions. Or at least do less harm.

Here’s hoping on Valentine’s Day we reach for agape.

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Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at [email protected].