New virus astonishes scientists

North Idaho appears to be the epicenter of a previously unseen phenomenon that health officials are calling novel casholavirus Au-79.

Dr. Heidi Zinc, a state epidemiologist, said yesterday that 213 casholavirus cases have been confirmed in North Idaho already this week.

“Scientists from all over the world are studying this amazing virus, which presents in a way that no other virus ever has,” Dr. Zinc said.

In each of the 213 cases, patients felt a slight decrease in their temperature, a brief period of itching and then oozed droplets of pure gold.

According to Dr. Zinc, passing gold was immediately followed by feelings of euphoria and high energy.

“The casholavirus does not appear to be contagious, but rather, afflicts only people who have behaved extr1emely well during these early stages of the coronavirus pandemic,” said Dr. Rudolph Silver, a scientist with Stark Industries in Athol.

Silver said gold oozes from patients “who have the precious mettle” to keep a positive attitude and behave ethically as the coronavirus spreads.

Casholavirus Au-79 is presenting in people who:

• Wash hands frequently and do not cough on others

• Do not spread malicious virus rumors or incite panic

• Do not hoard toilet paper, bottled water or bullets

• Act responsibly in practicing social distancing

• Consistently demonstrate kindness under stress

“We saw one patient yesterday who oozed about $60,000 in solid gold in just half an hour,” Dr. Silver said. “She had actually contracted the coronavirus but self-isolated, hoarded nothing and donated dozens of high-quality masks to Kootenai Health.”

While a reliable test for casholavirus Au-79 has not yet been developed, health philanthropists are distributing leaflets offering suggestions for patients wishing to become susceptible and display the golden symptoms. Leaflets are available at

See GOLD, C13