Today's ghastly groaner

In the stock market today, helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Elevators rose and escalators continued their slow decline. The market for raisins dried up and Coke fizzled. Balloon prices were inflated and tissue paper hit a new bottom.

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Send your groaners to Maureen Dolan, [email protected].

Remember: Keep ’em clean and don’t be mean.