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This guy's spooked by Halloween

| October 31, 2018 1:00 AM

Change in the schedule, gang.

Yes, I know it’s Wednesday and normally we’d have a nice, informal Chat Day.

But this week, our chat will have to be Thursday, because ...

This is Halloween, for heaven’s sake.

A columnist who doesn’t write about Halloween probably would have his or her house egged, or wake up to see the property covered in toilet paper.

You can’t let Halloween pass quietly, because somehow it has gone from being a somber religious observance — All Hallows’ Eve — to an orgy of candy, carved up pumpkins, haunted houses, and movies that give you hideous dreams.

For the record, tonight’s festivities have co-opted a religious rite known as Allhalloween, All Hallows Eve, or All Saints’ Eve.

In most Christian countries, a celebration is observed on Oct. 31, the eve of All Hallows Day.

Today begins the three-day observance of Allhallowtide, the time dedicated to remembering the dead, including saints (hallows), martyrs, and all the faithful departed.

But instead, now we do candy, pumpkins and slasher movies.

LET ME make one thing absolutely, blindingly clear ...

Since we’re going to delve into the mystique of Halloween — the social occasion, not the Christian holy day — I need you to know that I despise scary things.

No, that’s an understatement.

I want nothing to do with things that go bump in the night, or pop up out of a swamp, or suddenly appear shrieking in front of me.

Does everyone get that?

I hate to be frightened, and I react very badly.

Even on a harmless Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland, I clobbered some poor guy with a vicious elbow when our little boat suddenly seemed to go off a cliff.

Are you getting the picture?

I saw the movie “Jaws” more or less by accident many years ago, and had to sleep with a light on for more than a year.

I REALIZE that most people love that kind of stuff.

There’s no question I’m an outlier.

What can I say?

Meanwhile, in your world, the movie “Halloween” is No. 1 in domestic box office receipts for the third straight week.

It’s amazing that this particular version of “Halloween” (the movie) is the 11th in the history of the franchise.

Not only do you all like to be scared, apparently you crave the choice of Jamie Lee Curtis to share your fright as the terrified victim.

Curtis was 19 years old when she made the character of Laurie Strode famous with the original “Halloween” flick in 1978.

An otherwise excellent actor, Curtis became known as the “scream queen” for subsequent appearances in “The Fog” and another low-budget fright flick called “Terror Train.”

NOW HERE we are, four decades later, and Curtis is somehow still Laurie Strode, miraculously surviving while everyone else dies in her fifth “Halloween” movie.

Or, wait, maybe she goes to her grave in this one.

No worries.

Slasher characters come back to life all the time.

I’m proud to say that as much as I like Jamie Lee, and have really enjoyed some of her later movies (“True Lies” and “Trading Places” were terrific), I’ve given all her terror films a miss.

Why invite nightmares?

Even Curtis admitted that she couldn’t sleep well for ages after watching “The Exorcist.”

Some of us really do react poorly to these things, and I’m afraid I might sling Sammie the World’s Greatest Cat over the balcony in a nighttime fit of fright.

My contribution to Halloween this evening will be handing candy to kids dressed like Batman or Tinker Bell — assuming I haven’t eaten all the goodies ahead of time.

Hey, I’m all in with the Snickers part of Halloween.

•••

Steve Cameron is a wimpy columnist for The Press who hides under the bed when he hears midnight noises.

A Brand New Day appears from Wednesday through Saturday each week.

Steve’s sports column runs on Tuesday.

Email: scameron@cdapress.com

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Twitter: @BrandNewDayCDA