A little cockroach in your coffee?

Sorry, but you’ll have to milk your own cockroaches.

I know, I know.

Seems so unfair that such an indignity has been forced upon North Idaho, but we just can’t find any cockroach products in any local shops.

This wouldn’t be a problem if you lived in China.

Pollution so hideous that you can’t breathe or see across the street, yeah, that might be an issue — but cockroaches?

Nah.

In fact, there’s a cockroach farm in Xichang that raises six billion of these hideous insects annually, or 28,000 adult roaches per square foot.

Just as an aside, I wish I’d known cockroaches were valuable back in my college days. My roomie and I lived in an ancient apartment building that was overrun with the things.

If you flipped on a light in the wee hours, it looked like the doors opening at Walmart on Black Friday. Serious numbers.

I had to put the legs of my bed in pans of water to keep the roaches from nibbling ears in the night.

A pest control guy told us that there were roaches in the building’s sub-basement that were “so large you’ve gotta hand-fight them.”

But I digress …

You health nuts probably know that cockroach milk is the coming fad for hits of protein.

Unfortunately, you still can’t get it with your smoothie at Jitterz. Or even at any of the county’s nutrition stores.

“We don’t have any cockroach products, but I’ve heard about them,” said Edward Rangel, store manager at Natural Grocers on West Neider Avenue. “The milk is supposed to have a kick like Red Bull.

“These weren’t the same kind (of roaches), I guess, but when I lived in Texas, we had tree roaches that got up to 4 inches long.”

Quick aside here …

Long deep breath. Head between knees.

Nausea having subsided, we couldn’t manage to find any cockroach products in the area — not at Pilgrim’s Market or even the Vitamin Shoppe.

BUT THEY’RE coming, and maybe sooner than you think.

Cockroach milk is three times richer in calories than buffalo milk (the previous top contender for the most protein- and calorie-rich milk).

You could, in theory, splash it into coffee or pour it over Corn Flakes.

Another quick aside …

OK, back from turning a little green.

So …

Could a competitive health food market that already stocks cow, goat, almond, soy, cashew, hemp, rice, and coconut milk now see cockroach milk as the next superfood?

Well, there’s a bit of an image problem (as you might imagine), and the “milk” hasn’t yet been declared fit for human consumption in the United States.

But don’t bother telling that to 1.3 billion Chinese.

APPARENTLY that massive roach-breeding warehouse is something to behold, forgetting all the nightmares that might ensue.

According to a 2011 report by the government newspaper Guangming Daily, a visitor must change into a sanitized work suit to avoid bringing in pollutants or pathogens.

“There were very few human beings in the facility,” the article stated. “On shelves, floors and ceiling, the cockroaches were everywhere.

“Hold your breath and (you) only hear a rustling sound.

“Whenever flashlights swept, the cockroaches fled. Wherever the beam landed, there was a sound like wind blowing through leaves.”

Now if that image doesn’t give you the creeps, you’re terror-proof.

In fact, we’ve officially exhausted the subject of this new health food product.

I’m feeling a bit queasy.

But if horrifying insects are your thing, just ring Edward at Natural Grocers and chat about those giant roaches.

And what it must feel like to step on a few dozen.

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Steve Cameron is a columnist for The Press. A Brand New Day appears each week from Wednesday through Saturday.

Email: scameron@cdapress.com.

Twitter: @BrandNewDayCDA