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STEP TALK with Alexandra Mortensen

by Alexandra Mortensen Coeur Voice Writer
| March 27, 2018 2:28 PM

At first you’re not a stepparent, but rather, the girlfriend or boyfriend.

You’re getting to know your significant other, you’re getting to know the kid or kids (or maybe you haven’t met yet) and you’re discovering together if one future is the right fit. At that stage the pressure isn’t really on yet.

At some point that changes and you realize with gratitude, hope and probably some nervous excitement that all signs do indeed point to this being your forever person. And just like that, you’re on the path to stepparenthood. That’s when the questions start.

When, if ever, should I start going to parent teacher conferences?

Are the kids open to having another parent?

Will I get along with the other biological parent?

As always, there’s no one size fits all and the dynamic of blended families can differ greatly, but here are a few tips that I believe will be helpful in all step scenarios.

Wait for the ring. This doesn’t have to be taken literally, and if you’re a Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell couple who are opting to forego the paperwork, more power to you! What I mean is that I recommend waiting until an “official” commitment—whatever that looks like for you—before you really start diving in and taking on the title and responsibilities of a stepparent. The reason I say this is that it’s hard on the children to meet people who don’t ultimately end up being in their lives for their lifetime. Ideally, I don’t feel that they should view you as a parent and protector until you feel confident that you’ll be able to always be that for them.

When in doubt, ask your spouse. If there’s one thing any parent knows—biological, adoptive, step or otherwise—it’s that none of us truly feel that we 100 percent know what we’re doing. That’s okay. Parenting is the most profound, rewarding and terrifying thing you can do, and stepparenting only complicates it more. No one knows these children better than your spouse, so when you’re feeling unsure of what the right thing is to do, look next to you. You chose this life with them for a reason and between the two of you, you’ll be able to define your special place in your new family.

Check in with the kids. Depending on the ages involved, the tactics to communicating with the children themselves will vary, but don’t be afraid to go directly to the source. Like any human bond, as you settle into this role your relationships will grow and change. Your spouse may also wish to do the same. Josh and I have family conversations, but we also have times where he speaks to the boys alone, just in case they feel more comfortable speaking openly only with their dad present.

Wherever you’re at on your path to stepparenting, know that there are countless other stepparents out there blazing their own trails alongside you.