A Valentine's trip down memory lane
Illustration by JOSH MONTREUIL
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February 14, 2018 12:00 AM
By TOM NEUHOFF
Press Correspondent
Fur trappers in the mid-1800s first gave this amazing city its French name of Coeur d'Alene, meaning “Please don't move here,” a sentiment shared by many of its present-day residents. That hasn't stopped thousands from seeking romantic adventure and great fishing in Coeur d'Alene, often at the same time. The Schitsu'umsh, who had been living in North Idaho for thousands of years, considered this French name ironic, since not a single one of them could remember inviting the French to their beloved land.
The early pioneers believed Valentine's Day was best spent in Coeur d'Alene. It still is. It's the one day when men everywhere hope to salvage relationships with flowers, candy and gifts. When you're 69 years old, like me, your wife is happy to just get a card and wake up next to a husband with a pulse. I don't know about other married guys, but I still can't figure out why a beautiful and amazing woman like my wife would tie the knot with me. She keeps telling me how handsome I am. I'm sure that's her cataracts talking.
I attended a Catholic elementary school where they held several dances a year, hoping the girls and boys would meet and greet without any hanky panky. The girls stood on one side of the room while the boys stood on the other. If you walked over to the girls' side but then immediately returned everyone knew the girl said “No.” It was so humiliating.
My solution was to talk with the girl for a couple of minutes after she turned me down. That way it looked like I only walked over there to chat. It wasn't easy figuring out a topic, especially when she wouldn't even look at me. I would start with a little praise for her dad's truck but when that didn't pop the clutch I fell back on questions about her lawn. You learn a lot in a Catholic school. What I learned from those dances is that apparently girls don't like to talk about their lawn.
High school was even more brutal when it came to love. Although I was a class clown, I found myself painfully shy in front of girls, especially if they were surrounded by their girlfriends. If you're going to be shot down you don't want witnesses at the scene. On the day I finally amassed enough courage to ask Betty Steffens to the prom, she was walking home with a girlfriend. Once her friend departed, I shouted from across the street, asking her if she wanted to go to the prom with me. I had only so much courage and not enough to face her up close. At first she had trouble picking me out between the Pontiac and Oldsmobile. Cars were much bigger then. No shock she turned me down. Who asks a girl to the prom between parked cars?
What appealed to me the most about Betty was her dark side. There was no one like her in that small Wisconsin farm town. We didn't see a whole lot of diversity in Chilton. You were either a Catholic or a Lutheran. She once told me people were nothing more than a handful of chemicals with a memory. How cool is that? I heard she married a Presbyterian.
Valentine's Day is an opportunity for everyone to let their heart do the driving. Don't worry about crossing that room to the girls' side. You'll know it's love if she lights up when you just mention her lawn. When you're my age you won't regret those moments of boundless courage in the face of humiliating rejection. Never forget that once you find that special person, you are set for life. Love never dies.
Happy Valentine's Day!
• • •
Tom Neuhoff is a Hollywood comedy writer who lets his romantic side show every Feb. 14.
The early pioneers believed Valentine's Day was best spent in Coeur d'Alene. It still is. It's the one day when men everywhere hope to salvage relationships with flowers, candy and gifts. When you're 69 years old, like me, your wife is happy to just get a card and wake up next to a husband with a pulse. I don't know about other married guys, but I still can't figure out why a beautiful and amazing woman like my wife would tie the knot with me. She keeps telling me how handsome I am. I'm sure that's her cataracts talking.
I attended a Catholic elementary school where they held several dances a year, hoping the girls and boys would meet and greet without any hanky panky. The girls stood on one side of the room while the boys stood on the other. If you walked over to the girls' side but then immediately returned everyone knew the girl said “No.” It was so humiliating.
My solution was to talk with the girl for a couple of minutes after she turned me down. That way it looked like I only walked over there to chat. It wasn't easy figuring out a topic, especially when she wouldn't even look at me. I would start with a little praise for her dad's truck but when that didn't pop the clutch I fell back on questions about her lawn. You learn a lot in a Catholic school. What I learned from those dances is that apparently girls don't like to talk about their lawn.
High school was even more brutal when it came to love. Although I was a class clown, I found myself painfully shy in front of girls, especially if they were surrounded by their girlfriends. If you're going to be shot down you don't want witnesses at the scene. On the day I finally amassed enough courage to ask Betty Steffens to the prom, she was walking home with a girlfriend. Once her friend departed, I shouted from across the street, asking her if she wanted to go to the prom with me. I had only so much courage and not enough to face her up close. At first she had trouble picking me out between the Pontiac and Oldsmobile. Cars were much bigger then. No shock she turned me down. Who asks a girl to the prom between parked cars?
What appealed to me the most about Betty was her dark side. There was no one like her in that small Wisconsin farm town. We didn't see a whole lot of diversity in Chilton. You were either a Catholic or a Lutheran. She once told me people were nothing more than a handful of chemicals with a memory. How cool is that? I heard she married a Presbyterian.
Valentine's Day is an opportunity for everyone to let their heart do the driving. Don't worry about crossing that room to the girls' side. You'll know it's love if she lights up when you just mention her lawn. When you're my age you won't regret those moments of boundless courage in the face of humiliating rejection. Never forget that once you find that special person, you are set for life. Love never dies.
Happy Valentine's Day!
• • •
Tom Neuhoff is a Hollywood comedy writer who lets his romantic side show every Feb. 14.