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Cage Match! Scientific 'Avengers' edition

| April 27, 2018 1:00 AM

With the arrival of Marvel’s “The Avengers: Infinity War,” everybody and their Russian bots are publishing stories ranking all the Marvel movies. But with 18 movies in the Marvel Cinematic Universe already in the can, that endeavor just seems exhausting.

Look, most of them are pretty good, with “Captain America: The Winter Soldier,” the original “Iron Man,” “Guardians of the Galaxy,” “Captain America: Civil War” and this year’s “Black Panther” occupying the top tier. So let’s move on to something else entirely — the definitive ranking of the individual Avengers team members, as selected with the most logical and ironclad process ever imagined.

Yes, it’s time again for America’s third favorite semi-recurring Coeur d’Alene Press entertainment section feature, CAGE MATCH!

The Internet overlords surely have their opinion on who is the most powerful Avenger (Vision, right? Vision is boring). Forget them. My logic takes a little getting used to, but you’ll soon understand the genius behind it.

Now, the most powerful Avengers ranked, based on their ability to win fights and look cool.

1. Nick Fury:

Yep, the guy with one eye and no superpowers wins the whole thing. As the leader of S.H.I.E.L.D., Fury convinces all the other Avengers to fight in the first place. Manipulation beats fists every time. The guy also died then came back to life with no explanation in “Captain America: The Winter Soldier,” so he could be immortal. Oh, and the kicker — he’s played by Samuel L. Jackson. My Cage Match, my rules. Sam Jackson always wins.

2. Hawkeye:

Again, I can hear the Internet scoffing, but here’s another guy with no superpowers holding his own alongside Thunder Gods. Just a bow, some arrows, and a real chill attitude. Plus, did you see how mad everyone got when Jeremy Renner didn’t appear on the “Infinity War” poster? The dude is the heart-and-soul of the team.

3. Thor:

He’s a god that can shoot lightning bolts. I know I was being cute with the first two, but eventually you’re gonna need a brawler.

4. Black Widow:

Another human with no powers — just the ability to change her hairstyle impeccably in every movie and still hold her own alongside the Gods and Monsters. She’s also the only one who can sing The Hulk to sleep. She’s down on the list a bit as a statement on how women don’t get paid as much as their male counterparts. Don’t you all feel sexist now?

5. Hulk:

Pretty much unstoppable when he’s a big green monster but leaves a lot to be desired in Bruce Banner mode. Intelligence will get you far in life, but in a Cage Match it just might get you a steel chair to the head.

6. Doctor Strange:

I think he’s pretty powerful, but I honestly can’t remember his movie very well.

7. Captain America:

Cap serves as the moral center of the MCU, and with superhuman physicality, the WWII vet-turned-ice-cube-turned-sorta-Timecop, the guy can hold his own in a scrap. In life-or-death battle against a CGI monster though, that morality might lead to a smidge of hesitation. And you know what that means … a steel chair to the head.

8. Black Panther:

Man that “Black Panther” movie was good. T’Challa can fight, but I think his bodyguard fights better. Does she count as an Avenger?

9. Scarlet Witch:

More hazy magical powers. She accidentally knocked over a building in “Civil War,” and while Iron Man was kind of a jerk about it, he did have a point about her lack of combat experience.

10. Iron Man and Star-Lord:

Two fun guys who will waste too much time trying to one-up each other’s one liners. Grow up, fellas, this Cage Match is serious business.

11. Spider-Man:

Geez, there are too many superheroes in “Infinity War.” I honestly just forgot about Spider-Man until now, and I’m too lazy to adjust the list.

12. Falcon:

Cool wings, but being able to fly just doesn’t count much for anything in this world.

13. Other members of the Guardians of the Galaxy:

Tree guy, talking rodent, Avatar-lady, big dumb wrestler … look, I like the movies, but I can’t keep any of this straight anymore.

14. Loki:

Bad guy. Hey Thor, stop trusting this BAD GUY.

15. The Vision:

The Vision is boring.

16. The Winter Soldier:

That dude’s crazy.

Oof, I’m exhausted. What were we doing again? Oh, yeah, Cage Match. Sam Jackson wins by being cool. How anyone thinks this is the third favorite semi-recurring Coeur d’Alene Press entertainment section feature is beyond me.

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Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.