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STEP TALK with Alexandra Mortensen

by Alexandra Mortensen Coeur Voice Writer
| April 19, 2018 2:05 PM

It may be a cliché, but it’s one that’s had staying power. Most stepmoms have probably asked themselves at one point how they ended up a wicked stepmother. Now, that’s not to say that stepfathers don’t also have a rough time, but there’s no denying that it’s different for us.

Perhaps the most perplexing part is that the “wicked” title (and general feelings of ineptitude that it seems more stepmoms than stepdads experience) doesn’t even really have much—if anything—to do with the actual kids or your relationship with them. It has to do with how the outside world perceives and portrays stepparents.

Let’s take Elizabeth James in “The Parent Trap.” In a nutshell, she’s awful. She’s mean, she’s vapid, she’s self-centered, and … dare I say it? She’s wicked. When we think of the stereotype and hollywood portrayal of a stepmom, Mrs. James and Lady Tremaine from Cinderella embody what you’re likely to envision.

But, when we think of the same stereotype for stepdads, it’s not quite the same. Personally, I think the quintessential example for that is Neal from The Santa Clause. Neal is annoyingly bland and somehow offensively straightlaced. You might say that Neal is a square. We don’t like him and we’re rooting for Scott Calvin, but we don’t hate Neal and we certainly don’t think he’s wicked. Instead of rooting for the mom to divorce Neal, I was rooting for Neal to get some clarity. “He’s Santa, Neal. He really IS Santa!”

In the end, Scott AKA Santa gives Neal a gift he asked for, but never received as a kid, everyone realizes that Scott really is Santa and everyone is happy that the kid in the story has three great parents (hopefully four down the line with Mrs. Claus). In “The Parent Trap” we all finally get Elizabeth out of the picture, but not before the girls (deservingly) push her out onto the water while she’s still sleeping on her air mattress.

Very different endings.

For a real life example, when a dad isn’t or is only minimally in the picture, and a man steps in and takes on the father role, he’s a hero. People rave about his character and what an incredible thing he’s doing. There’s even a Brad Paisley song about it. Those men deserve that praise 100 percent, but why don’t the stepmoms?

In the stepmom world, there’s a strong vibe that you should tread very lightly to ensure that you don’t in any way disrespect the mom, even if the mom is barely in or fully isn’t in the picture. I know from experience that you can feel like you’re doing something wrong just by existing in the role.

So, now that we’ve gotten our complaining out, what’s the solution?

Quite simply, to remember that everyone matters, that there can never be too many people who love a child.

Whether that child has one parent, two, three, four or 20, they’re lucky to have them, and the parents are lucky to have that child.