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Here's what you can do about abuse

| April 12, 2018 1:00 AM

Often the worst thing about abuse is that it lasts a lifetime in the mind. Ironically, the mind is our first line of defense against it.

Like assault and abuse itself — emotional, sexual, or otherwise physical — stereotypes cut both ways. Abusers by definition are unhealthy, and the havoc their problems wreak create a ripple effect throughout the community. Society suffers the effects in public health costs, crime rates, lost work productivity. Family violence cycles, extended to tolerance (in effect if not in law) of such behaviors, continue for generations.

We do and accept what we are used to experiencing. What we are used to tolerating become the boundaries and limits of behavior. Let’s shrink them.

Victims suffer throughout life, coping (or not coping) with deleterious effects on psyche and relationships at home and work. Both perpetrator and recipient need help; this is neither normal nor healthy. As to the rest of us, mistaken perceptions just perpetuate problems, or at minimum, do nothing to stop their proliferation.

The one thing over which every person should have unfettered control is one’s own body. Forcefully wresting that power away is without excuse.

Let me repeat that: There is no excuse or justification. After nearly a decade volunteering in crisis situations, I remain baffled at how much lip service we give that, but how seldom it’s put in practice when the rubber hits the road.

April is Sexual and Child Abuse Awareness Month, and Strengthening Families Month. The point of awareness months is to break through stereotypes, to educate by involving the community. To read about it, think about it, and better yet, participate in making it better.

Be part of the change you want to see in the world.

We can start with perceptions — examine our own preconceptions with honesty; challenge others’. An infamous Italian court reversed a rape conviction because the victim wore tight jeans; they figured getting them off took so much effort consent was obvious. Colorless “rape” drugs are slipped in victims’ drinks, causing uncontrollable changes in behavior, memory loss, and limp muscles (“she acted hot for it”).

Perhaps there were no drugs, but the victim froze, facing trauma like a deer caught in headlights. Fear and denial can do that. If they kissed, drank, or danced earlier; if she didn’t scream and kick, she must have wanted it, right?

Or it’s the gateway approach: Consent to some contact equals a free pass for anything. The fact that all sexual assault victims report a complex sense of shame just indicates buyer’s remorse … Right?

Wrong. Take it from one who’s been there — that’s one in four women and one in six men, including your own loved ones.

Such assumptions and conclusions are why assault and abuse continue to flourish. Both society and economy pay. We don’t have to sit back and shake our heads in piteous resignation. We can improve our community (which statistically lags behind in this area) right now.

Next time you hear someone express a joke or one such stereotype, speak up. Call them on it. Create a safer community. Become a Safe Passage or CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates for children) supporter or volunteer and help those struggling with the aftermath of such experiences, or who are trying to break free of them.

If you are, or you love, a victim of abuse, you are not alone. Counseling can help tremendously. Call Safe Passage at 208-664-9303, CASA at 208-667-9165, or ICARE (abuse prevention; free parenting classes) at 208-676-1515.

If we all work on this, it will get better.

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Sholeh Patrick, J.D. is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at Sholeh@cdapress.com.