MLP: Don't try and split infinitives

It may be difficult for Mrs. Language Person’s dwindling reader base to believe, but occasionally that Snitty Old Bitty will indeed concede. Case in point: the split infinitive.

First thing’s first; one must define the infinitive verb form. An infinitive, you may recall, is identified by the juxtaposition of a verb with “to,” whether expressed or shyly invisible.

Try and understand (but please, do not!). MLP may try to explain, and she may explain, but she cannot try and explain. Understand, dear Reader, she may “try to explain” or she “may explain;” she cannot do both.

One tries, fails, or does. One cannot “try and do” a certain task, any more than one can fail and do it. One tries to do it. Would one fail and do it? Of course not. Consistent communication is successful communication, as that S.O. — (oops) Snitty Old Bitty so often nags (nag: to annoy by scolding; Scandinavian dialectal form of “gnaw”).

Try to spot the infinitives in this sentence; help me make my point. Did you see them, dear Reader? Or did you just “spot” the first? Remember, that “to” can be a sneak. If you “tried to” and you missed it, you helped me (to) make my point. Look again.

All right (not “alright!” It’s all right; just use two words, please); now that you can spot an infinitive, consider its functions. It may serve as noun (I tried to stop reading this!) and be that thing you tried to do. It may serve as adverb, explaining why (We stopped reading MLP to end the ennui). An infinitive may also serve as descriptive adjective, if that’s not too redundant. The infinitive in “MLP is the least likely writer to impress” describes just which writer is your MLP.

Now that you know well the infinitive, time to split. Wait, you say; didn’t Mr. Professor Person back in the day tell me not to (poor split infinitives — verbs don’t like invisibility)? Well, yes, he likely did. Today, he likely would not. Once upon a more literary time, Latin, that mother of so many languages now so cruelly forgotten — was required in English-speaking classrooms. There is no “to” in a Latin verb, so they remain in protected whole and cannot be split. As Latin fell out of favor, confusion increased. The “no split infinitives” rule was established.

Without understanding one’s linguistic heritage, it becomes much easier to beat words to a bloody pulp.

In the havoc which is today’s English, your MLP can choose to graphically lament, and there it is: a split infinitive. Today it is clearer to write “to graphically lament” than to write “graphically to lament.” One could make an argument for “to lament graphically,” yet even this is out of favor. We tend to lackadaisically (lazily; without interest or vigor) kick those oh-so-vital verbs to the end of the sentence, the back of the line. We no longer like lackadaisically to toss, although we may like to toss lackadaisically.

Those poor infinitives, stretched and straining to find one another across these tortuous sentences …

Today, dear Reader, the choice is entirely yours. Split at will. MLP concedes defeat. Sigh.

•••

Mrs. Language Person and Sholeh Patrick are columnists for the Hagadone News Network who too often heard “look it up” in response to childhood curiosities. Blame it on nurture and contact them at Sholeh@cdapress.com.