'Express' needs GPS to find third base

Finally, finally, finally.

A couple of months ago, a reader sent me a question: “What was the weirdest ballgame you ever covered?”

Well, now that we’ve come to the dying embers of another baseball season, I actually have the time and place to answer.

The lead-up to the emailed question was that, as background to some other story, I conceded I had seen more than 2,000 major league games — so it followed that some of them must have been pretty bizarre.

However, there was one obvious winner: Surprisingly, it was NOT the night that baseball commissioner Bart Giamatti died quite unexpectedly and, since I was in Texas with the Kansas City Royals, I wound up doing a pregame interview with Rangers owner George W. Bush.

I told everyone who would listen that evening that Bush would be a fun guy with whom to share a few cold ones, but certainly a chap who could rise no higher.

Right.

DESPITE spending that hour — two of us alone in the Rangers dugout, sharing tales with the future president — my one most memorable baseball game involved, um ...

A designated runner.

If you’re old enough, you might recall some of the stunts that Charles O. Finley inflicted on the National Pastime: orange baseballs, goats grazing beyond the right-field fence, and his very own mule as the A’s team mascot.

Charley also signed a young sprinter named Allen Lewis, whom Finley insisted be called the “Panamanian Express.”

Lewis was a nice kid and yep, he could fly — but he had no real baseball experience. He actually stole 44 bases over parts of six years in the majors, getting virtually no leads but simply outrunning the ball to second or third base.

Despite his limitations (he totaled exactly six hits in his career), Lewis won two World Series rings with the A’s and even played for his native Panama in the World Baseball Classic as recently as 2009.

BUT LET’S return to a chilly night in Oakland, and I need to add here that the Coliseum in mid-summer always felt like the northern tip of Greenland.

It was so cold, I’d borrowed a heavy jacket from the Royals equipment manager and pulled a wool cap down over my ears. Like most everyone else in the stadium, I just wanted the torture to end.

The game was a totally unremarkable case of frostbite until Lewis hustled out to run for someone in the eighth inning — and promptly stole second base.

The next batter hit a sinking liner to right, and seeing it, Lewis couldn’t quite decide whether to start for third or wait near second base. Eventually, he thought he saw the ball hit the grass, and decided to take off.

About halfway to third (as Glenn Schwarz wrote for the next day’s San Francisco Examiner), the Panamanian Express became a local.

Lewis stopped and looked utterly confused.

Tag up?

No, eventually he saw the umpire make a “safe” sign, indicating that the ball had not been caught.

Apparently, the Express recalled just at that moment that his job was to score from second on a single, so suddenly he lit out for home plate.

Unfortunately, he had neglected third base entirely, and we were treated to the sight of a guy trying to score from approximately the shortstop position.

AS LEWIS was racing past the pitcher’s mound, he obviously realized he’d made a grievous mistake. So he slammed on the brakes, made a very odd turn and headed at the weirdest angle toward third.

By this time, the Royals had gotten the ball to the infield, but they were as befuddled as anyone else. They finally located Lewis on his circuitous route and threw to third, but the Express beat the throw.

Nonetheless, he was called out.

Obviously, Lewis had gone miles out of any known base path, but the ump told the media later that Lewis had been ruled out for “embarrassing the sport.”

My lasting memory of that play was seeing Ron Bergman, who covered baseball for the Oakland Tribune, actually rolling around on the press box floor, tears flowing freely, howling with laughter.

Hall of Fame manager Whitey Herzog once said: “When you think you’ve seen it all in baseball, you’ll discover you haven’t.”

So...

Nah, I haven’t seen it all — but I can say I’ve seen the Panamanian Express go off the rails.

And there, sir, is the answer to your question.

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Steve Cameron is a special assignment reporter for The Press. Reach Steve via email: [email protected].