Lakeside neighborhood pestered by holiday ruckus

Editor’s note: From time to time, we receive emails and letters regarding our work on the award-winning Neighborhood of the Week, America’s favorite Coeur d’Alene Press Sunday Real Estate recurring feature. The following letter is from a particularly opinionated out-of-towner, but it pertains some to our coverage area. We present the letter, unedited, but the opinion below does not represent the views of the Coeur d’Alene Press or its staff.

Dear Neighborhood of the Week,

I’m writing you from the north, in a small town far outside your coverage area. Though I don’t make it down to North Idaho as often as I like, I make a point to read Neighborhood of the Week every week online. What can I say? I’m a sucker for Idaho housing.

The issue I wish to share may not seem like a North Idaho problem. From what I see watching American cable news on my satellite TV, it seems like your country has enough problems already, but in the spirit of Christmas, I hope you may be able to help me out.

My once serene neighborhood is being terrorized by garish lights, annoying music, and a constant barrage of what sounds like fireworks. I believe the folks in North Idaho are responsible.

Two doors down from my humble cottage sits a workshop — an ancillary factory owned by Claus Co. Most of the year, there isn’t much activity. At one point, it was the primary hub for Teddy Ruxpin manufacturing, but these days it mostly serves as a storage facility for leftover fidget spinners.

But every Christmas season, the “Boss” likes to make a little show on our stretch of North Pole waterfront (the water keeps rising, but whatever Cliff Harris). There are lights and music and the world’s tallest living Christmas tree. The Big Man says it’s a celebration for the good people of North Idaho, and some “Journey to the North Pole” cruise takes a magic wormhole from Lake Coeur d’Alene to my elfin’ neighborhood.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Christmas as much as the next little guy. I was a “Santa’s Bag” manager for 236 years before my retirement. I loved my job, and for the most part, I love everything Mr. Claus stands for — goodwill, spirit of giving, blah, blah, blah.

But I can’t sleep. It’s just too much. Not only are there fireworks, Mr. Claus is now showing off the new engine he added to his sleigh. It’s ridiculous, loud, and totally unnecessary. We’ve got more flying reindeer up here than we know what to do with, mostly because a few too many of my neighbors keep feeding the elfin’ things like pets. They poop everywhere, and sometimes they don’t even have the decency to land.

Point is, Santa doesn’t need this engine, he just thinks it looks cool (it does look cool). But I’m tired of listening to him rev the thing several times a night.

I’m also tired of listening to all the names of kids from North Idaho on Santa’s Nice List. Look, good for you, kids, but wouldn’t it be faster just read the names of the bad kids? Tommy, Phil, Suzie… you’re all getting coal, sorry. The rest of you kids are fine.

I realize my letter may fall on deaf years. I understand many people in your area love the “Journey to the North Pole” tradition, and that even people from Spokane (*shudders*) come over for a trip every year. I don’t want to ruin the fun. I just want to sleep. If nothing can be done, perhaps one of your readers might volunteer a place in North Idaho where I could stay in December. Maybe someone could even offer me a luxury room at that fancy Resort you have there. Just a suggestion.

Merry Christmas!

Sincerely,

Licorice Taffy Cane, III

P.S. Tell that movie reviewer you have that “La La Land” is totally overrated.

Editor’s Note: Quite a sassy little elf! As you might guess, nothing will be done to address any of Mr. Cane’s concerns. In fact, the “Journey to the North Pole” cruise will continue through Jan. 1. Come see more than 1.5 million twinkling holiday lights, and bring your kids to see if they make Santa’s Nice List. More light displays, fireworks and a supremely powerful sleigh are also highlights visitors will see at the North Pole.

Boarding for the 40-minute cruise begins at The Resort Plaza Shops in downtown Coeur d’Alene 40 minutes prior to cruise departure time. Departure times are 5:30, 6:30 and 7:30 p.m. with additional cruises varying by day.

Tickets are $22.25 for adults, $21.25 for seniors (55+), $7.50 for children ages 6-12, and free for children age 5 and under.

When you take your trip, be sure to give an extra loud holler over to Licorice Cane.

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For suggestions on Neighborhood of the Week, contact Tyler Wilson at [email protected].