Go ahead: Ask this comedy writer anything

It seems like a hundred years ago since my son and I were living in Coeur d’Alene. We lived in those small rental cottages across from the lake that are now gone and replaced with condos. I guess that’s progress. To this day we have fond memories of sledding down Cherry Hill. Your town is the best of all worlds and truly a dream-come-true for so many of us.

After decades of life as a Hollywood comedy writer. I find that perhaps the only way of connecting with your town is through this column, “Ask Me Anything.” I’ll give you answers from the smartest minds we can afford.

To get started, I challenged your newspaper editor, Mike Patrick, to fire four hard questions at me. Here they are, along with the correct answers.

1. I’ve seen photos of Lake Coeur d’Alene when it used to freeze over every winter. Now it never does. Why is that?

Answer: Most people don’t have a clue because it’s a pretty well-kept secret. There is actually a micro-brewery at the bottom of the lake. The rent is cheap but the byproducts are keeping the water warmer and all the fish drunk. You haven’t noticed the carp swimming into each other? Always good for a laugh, especially on the weekends.

2. What’s your favorite newspaper, and why?

Answer: I personally subscribe to the “Daily Slug.” Nobody really knows where it’s published but there are rumors it’s out of an old doughnut truck. They’ve never won any awards for their stories but their doughnuts are to die for.

3. Which presidential candidate is most like Alfred E. Neuman?

Answer: Well, Obama definitely has his ears but as for Alfred’s knowledge of world events, Trump wins hands down.

4. If the Cubs win the World Series, what’s going to happen to the world?

Answer: People were terrified at the Mayans’ prediction of the world ending in 2012 but that wasn’t a proper translation of their text. Incredible at foreseeing the future, they predicted the Cubs would win the World Series when pigs actually do learn to fly. They also predicted the end of mankind if turning right at a red light was ever legalized so I’ll let you sort out the truth here.

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Always nice to hear from people in Coeur d’Alene. Most Californians don’t believe there is life north of Sacramento. By the way, this would have been much funnier if I hadn’t run out of Heineken.

Now, readers, it’s your turn. Send your questions — any and all are welcome — to me at: [email protected]

The Press will publish the most interesting questions and, you got it, answers from the best minds we can afford.