Get a grip on gripes

According to scores of psychologists, researchers, and studies, the average person complains multiple times in each conversation, averaging about 30 times daily and 1,300 times per year.

Is that too much?

Venting is good. Complaining with regularity is bad. Scientists write that too much complaining actually rewires the brain, effectively creating more negativity than would otherwise plague the average human being. Nobody likes a chronic whiner — it’s hard enough for most to cope with life without adding too much of another’s burdens, and as we humans are social creatures, our moods impact one another — we tend to mimic.

Then there is the inner life of those with the complaining habit. Negativity makes happiness impossible.

That’s not to say expressing needs is wrong; that’s not the same as complaining when blaming others or circumstances isn’t part of the picture. Nor is gratuitous or false positivity warranted; we all need to vent regularly (if not excessively), or the pressure cooker inside blows one way or another.

Yet a little can go a long way. There is much to be said for focusing on the half-full part of life’s glass, as focusing on the empty half can get the brain stuck there. Just as with any repeated behavior, the brain creates shortcuts, so the next time we ask it to travel the same path, it gets there faster.

We are what we think.

Thus complaining makes complaining much easier, and more likely to repeat. Brains like efficiency, and tend to lead us where we’ve been before if we’re not aware and don’t establish control by redirecting thoughts. The good news is that the same is true in reverse; redirecting a complaint-thought in a positive direction (it’s too hot, but the flowers are gorgeous; it’s too cold, but isn’t the fire cozy) creates different shortcuts. So habitual positivity begets more positivity.

That attitude of gratitude business, hokey as it sounds, actually works. Making the effort to pay attention and catch complaining, negative thoughts before they become words. A little practice creates this awareness, and awareness clears the way to control.

Negativity also creates both mental and physical stress, which is bad for the body in almost endless ways. It negatively impacts the immune system so the body feels bad and gets sick more often, reduces circulation and increases blood pressure, may contribute to diabetes, heart problems, high cholesterol, and so much more.

So why do we do it? When is it not harmful to complain, other than briefly venting the pressure cooker once in a while?

When complaint is for a purpose. Complaint can be a useful tool to the extent that it organizes thoughts and information, allowing a problem to be laid out so a solution can be identified. The trick is to focus on the problem-solving, and then move on, ending on a positive. Try not to ruminate (repeating thoughts over and over); keep that brain on the right path with those positive redirects. It may take more effort at first, but it does get easier with practice, as those neural pathways change and build. Think of it as mental strength training.

An old Cherokee tale puts it this way:

“A terrible fight is going on inside me between two wolves,” said an old man to his grandson. “One is evil — he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

“The other is good — he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

•••

Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at [email protected].