Become an up-stander
“Snitches get stitches,” the 11-year-old boy tearfully cries when I ask, “Why didn’t you tell me he had a knife?”
“He showed me the knife, said he is going to get revenge on Sammy for being mean and said if I told, he would stab me,” the young man tearfully explains as I further probe his failure to disclose.
“I was scared. My mom would be sad if he stabbed me.”
Acknowledging his fear while condemning his silence, I continue my conversation with this young, frightened boy. “How would you feel if Sammy got stabbed?”
“I never thought about that. I’ve never seen anyone get stabbed before,” the boy discloses pondering this dilemma. Too young to understand death, too naive to realize the consequence of his silence, too scared of his own mortality, this young boy remains quiet, ensuring the perpetrator of this possibly violent act does not retaliate his violence on him.
“What do you mean by ‘snitches get stitches’” I ask the boy, who looks bewildered at my ignorance.
“You know Mr. Rutherford; if you tell on someone, they will beat you up. It’s the code of kids. If you tattle on a kid, you get hit. It’s just the way it is.”
“Even if it means another kid gets hurt?” I ask, bewildered.
“I guess I never think about the other kid; I only think about what will happen to me if I snitch,” the kid states as if hearing this perspective for the first time. “Maybe I should care about how the other kid might feel?”
Now we have a starting point. My job now is to continue the conversation and help this child feel empathy for the feelings of his peer; one who might be struggling to feel safe, to feel kindness, to feel love.
Jump ahead to the news today of another gunman senselessly killing dozens of people for reasons no one will totally understand. ISIS sympathizer, anti-gay, anti-American, anti-God; the reason is irrelevant when one attempts to stop the action.
Attempting to understand why one feels that one must murder one’s brothers and sisters, one might place blame on a complacent government, on our nation’s lack of gun control, on the systemic failure of our country’s mental health issues, on a failing education system or the erosion of religion in our communities.
I suggest the same issue illustrated above with the young boy and the knife is epidemically prominent in America today — snitches get stitches. It is not cool, it’s irrelevant, in need to keep to myself, don’t cause waves, it’s not my business, maybe they are just joking, no one would do that, someone else will tell, it’s not my place, I don’t want to get involved are the excuses many make when not brave enough to stop a negative act.
In elementary school we teach about bystanders — kids who stand and watch negative actions take place rather than up-standers who take action when someone is hurting. Bystanders are powerful, they have a choice — step in and stand up for one in trouble or stand by and do nothing.
After every mass murder, friends and family of the perpetrator are asked, “Did you expect anything like this might happen?” Inevitably, a handful of people say, “Yes, he/she talked about doing this.” These people are bystanders — knowing a person is unsafe while doing nothing to keep the community safe.
I suggest people in our community become up-standers. When one hears of a potentially violent act, stand up for one’s community by saying something. Be loud, be vocal and stop the violence.
One might work a lifetime to cure the American culture of systemic injustice and never make a positive change or difference. To make an immediate difference in the welfare of our community speak up; become an up-stander. If you hear something, say something.
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Send comments or other suggestions to William Rutherford at [email protected] or visit pensiveparenting.com.