Unanimity outbreak sparks League probe

The Coeur d'Alene Press All-Star Pigskin Prognosticators were too like-minded for comfort over the Christmas weekend.

The dazzlin' dozen all correctly predicted that the Steelers would forge a win over the Ravens, the Chiefs would tame the Broncos, the Cowboys would lasso the Lions, the Patriots would ground the Jets, and that the Packers would pillage the Vikings.

But the dirty dozen also all failed to guess that the Eagles would go guano on the Giants, that the Browns would stop the Chargers (OK, nobody on Earth predicted that one), that the Titans would be bitty meat bits for the Jaguars, and that Seahawks would prove inferior to mere Cardinals. If not for Eve Knudtsen (incorrectly picked the Bears) and Jeff Conroy (correctly picked the Niners), two more games would have been unanimous.

Noting so many identical responses from the pigskin pickers, The League immediately launched an investigation into a possible copying scandal, just like Mrs. Priller “The Killer” did when Billy looked under Mary's arm while Tommy peered over Billy's shoulder back in fourth grade math. The League also considered the possibility of Russian meddling; that Putin's pals hacked their way into last week's picks or possibly doped the prognosticators like so many Russian athletes.

However, the probe revealed none of the prognosticators is smart enough to use computers for their picks, all are too serious to have been doped, and too proud (and nearsighted) to peer at their fellow gridiron guessers' selections.

“Just dumb luck, good and bad,” the investigation concluded.

Will the spate of dumb luck continue? Will The League need to launch another investigation? Will the writer of this column continue to use juvenile verbs for perfectly good words like “defeat” or “beat?”

Go to Page B5, and behold! The Coeur d'Alene Press All-Star Pigskin Prognosticators lay it all on the line this last weekend of the regular season. Next stop: The playoffs.