SANTA: Big kids write, too

I was so pleased that you asked the children to send their letters to Santa through the Coeur d’Alene Press.

However, we senior citizens have needs, too. My letters to Santa have been lost in the mail. It is my sincere hope that he reads our fine newspaper. That would certainly help me to have a holly jolly Christmas this year.

Dear Santa:

I fear that all my letters to you have been lost in the mail. What tipped me off was the fact that I haven’t gotten anything I asked for since 1982. As usual, I have been on my best behavior. I have also been mindful of my personal hygiene.

My worst Christmas decade was the 1970s. You sent me nothing but clothes. I suppose you forgot that I was living in a nudist colony.

I was so grateful for the bicycle you sent in 1982. Unfortunately, it had no front wheel. I lost my paper route because of this.

I always wanted a car, and in 1983 you blessed me with the old Rambler. The fact that it had no hood was actually a good thing. I could keep a closer eye on the innards of the machine. The mileage was poor, but I corrected that. I smeared it with Vaseline to make it slide through the neighborhood more aerodynamically. Who needs front seats? I sit on an old paint bucket.

Don’t worry about our kids. They already have everything they need. Just concentrate on me and my needs.

We still live at the same address. I will leave the cookies and whiskey in the usual place.

Finally, dear Santa, use your powers to banish telephone solicitors from the Earth and thereby establish peace and harmony worldwide. All I want for Christmas is my two front seats.

Your Pal (I hope),

WEECHO

(Bill Higgs)