Love's secret: Kindness

If everything has its season, then summer must be for love; the months of June, July, and August (the last two now rivaling June in popularity, according to the National Center for Health Statistics) are the most popular for weddings. Yet once the hype is past, the dress hung with care, and the (gulp) massive bill paid, the work begins. More than half of marriages end in divorce. What makes love last?

Since the 1970s when America saw a surge in divorce rates, social scientists have been actively asking why. Turns out the answers are much simpler than we might think: Grow together, and be kind.

Scientific theories of love incorporate the most basic elements of psychological health, applying to many types of relationships. When most hear "love," passion and romance come to mind. That may lead to (hopes of) a wedding, and regular injections of passion obviously make life enjoyable, but experts argue it's not even the biggest element.

Love in a lasting, happy relationship, say psychologists after studying thousands of couples over the years, is more about satisfying basic needs of closeness, commitment (security), emotional needs, shared experiences, and good communication. A 2012 study published in the journal Social, Psychological and Personality Science examined couples married 10 years or more. They found more than half were either "very intensely in love" (40 percent) or "in love" (15 percent) a decade later. The same held true for 40 percent of couples married 30 years or more.

Their secret? They all grew together. Lead researcher Dr. Daniel O'Leary found these in-love couples enjoyed engaging in "self-expanding" joint activities. They did stuff together - old and new, and they learned stuff together.

In the book "The Science of Living Happily Ever After," relationship psychologist Dr. Ty Tashiro examines an array of research, including John Gottman's famous "Love Lab," and concludes lasting relationships have something else essential in common: Kindness. Do they fight? Sure, said Gottman. But when they fight they calmly talk about their feelings, and verbally acknowledge (without sarcasm or criticism) the other's feelings, rather than trading attacks; and they listen as much or more than they speak. That's one application of kindness.

Another way kindness translates in successful relationships is about attention, and habit. Tashiro says people who live together have, and miss, daily opportunities to either strengthen or weaken their bonds. We shouldn't dismiss them as unimportant; they're more important than many realize and in time, can erode so far that couples find themselves wondering what happened, shortly before a split.

Little things mean a lot. Flowers, doing for one another, or refilling coffee? That's nice, but we all make daily, subconscious requests for connection with one another - never as mundane as they seem. "See that bird through the window?" "The Cubs are ahead!" "I was thinking of taking a class." "Three stores and I still didn't find it."

How does the partner respond to these? With positive interest, visible attention turned toward the speaker, showing respect and recognition - a subconscious affirmation of value, of caring? With a minimizing or neutral, "uh-huh"? Or worst, by ignoring with a "cold shoulder" or exhibiting more destructive behavior such as "I don't care," or "that's a ridiculous idea," both which make people feel devalued or worthless, invisible?

Researchers found that those in unhappy relationships respond to one another negatively, minimally, or not at all, whereas those in happy ones pay attention and show interest, even to "the little things" that add up to life. That goes a long way toward satisfying love's basic elements: Meeting one another's emotional needs, feeling close, and communicating well. Tashiro says think of it as accepting an offer - to share, to feel close, to be "one." Each little recognition, or each devaluation, adds up over time to strengthen the foundation or kill the roots of the relationship.

These studies suggest the glue that binds long-lasting relationships is no mystery, no hard-to-maintain youthful passion, but two simple practices: Be kind and grow together by sharing life (especially new) experiences. The bonus is that active minds extend life, and kindness feeds upon itself, making both easier and easier to maintain. Other research has confirmed that the more people experience kindness, the more apt we are to be kind in return. So the more kindness we give, the more we are likely to get. And give. And get...

Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at [email protected].