Bye-bye, bystander

The bystander's era is retreating. History is replete with evidence that all that is necessary for "evil" to triumph is for good men to do nothing. Human society is finally absorbing this knowledge at its most personal level, transforming our visions of "good men" to reject impassivity, so standing by while another is harmed is simply not an option. No longer is compassionless obliteration acceptable; no Hitler, no apartheid possible. If 9-11 proved anything, it's that standing by is no longer an option.

This notion has no limitation of scale. Locally the Coeur d'Alene School District is successfully taking on bullying with a focus on bystanders - their role, their responsibilities. To end bullying in schools, bystanders must fade into the sunset. Man (woman, child) is responsible to prevent harm to fellow man at each opportunity. "None of my business" can not be part of societal vocabulary when one person attempts to dominate another to detriment.

Nowhere is this change more desperately needed than at the core of human life: the home, and our most intimate relationships. All of us have the right to live in an environment and have relationships which are healthy, safe, respectful, and compassionate. Violence and all forms of abuse - physical or emotional, bruises or belittling, outburst or those grinding, daily subtleties - have no part in healthy relationships, no excuse, no permission or justification.

Freedom from harm is not mere right; in keeping with life's balance it's sustainable only if paired with responsibility. Power shifts in unhealthy relationships, so when we "bystanders" (coworker, neighbor, acquaintance, relative) see an imbalance of power and control, we must exercise that responsibility on behalf of the weakened. We can engage our power to act by aiding those whose power is absent, to help restore the balance necessary for fully functioning society.

The power for social change belongs to the bystanders. Not only to intervene where possible in individual situations (this usually takes more than one effort, because fear and insecurities run high), report, and refer to aid organizations, but moreover to change our culture of acceptance. Rejecting such behaviors must become a matter of habit large and small, such as jokes which aren't funny because they advocate harmful stereotypes, keeping us subconsciously tolerant of them.

End the tolerance of degradation.

North Idaho continues to have the highest rates of domestic violence in our state. We know this is not "a women's issue," nor is it "none of our business." We know better. There is a selfish motivation in this; no man, woman, or child is an island. To end bullying especially in interpersonal relationships - with all its multi-generational impacts on children, families, and workplaces - is to improve the health of our increasingly interconnected society.

So this year, the annual fundraising breakfast for North Idaho Violence Prevention Center, presented also by Soroptimists of Coeur d'Alene, is focused on "Engaging Men in our Community." More than bystander responsibility, this year's program is about positive role models, about prevention as much as cure. The March 19 program at 7:30 a.m. at The Best Western Coeur d'Alene Inn will feature local, inspirational men who exemplify what being a "good man" means, what he does, and how he uses his strength not to harm, but to help others.

Some of us are very lucky. To be born into a healthy family and surrounded by healthy people is never to need to ask questions such as, "What is love, and what isn't? What does a healthy relationship look like? Is this painful way I'm being treated an indication of my relative value as a human being? Is what I'm experiencing now what I should expect or accept in future relationships?"

To a "good man" or good woman, abusive behavior is never acceptable. To do nothing is to accept status quo, so it's time to wave goodbye to the bystander.

The NIVPC-Soroptimist breakfast, sponsored by Windermere Real Estate and Debbie Myles, the First District Bar Association, and Northwest Specialty Hospital, is free, although per-plate donations are requested. For reservations (required) call (208) 664-9303 or (208) 755-0604. For more information see NIPVC.org and Soroptimistcda.org.

Sholeh Patrick, J. D. is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at [email protected].