Technology in the bedroom

This past week I attended the Idaho State Prevention and Support Conference. The focus of this conference is to offer tools, resources and ideas for educators and law enforcement professionals to prevent destructive behavior of the children in our community. The behaviors this conference attempts to prevent include underage drinking, drug use, bullying, helplessness, suicide and abuse and neglect.

In every keynote and breakout session I attend, two themes are consistent. First, kids need to feel important, loved and valued by the people around them. Secondly, screens are stealing children's ability to emotionally attach to the human race.

Computer screens, smart phones, television, gaming devices and iPads all offer access to a virtual community through a stroke of a key or audio command. One can create random friends worldwide by typing "find friends," on a Google search and communicate with hundreds of virtual buddies in minutes.

I tried it. In two minutes, after typing, "find friends," I am chatting with someone online. I introduce myself, ask who they are and where they are from. I then type, "I am searching how long it takes to find a friend for a newspaper column." They then type a swear word and close the conversation.

Now imagine a lonely child in her bedroom with a computer, smart phone and gaming system hooked up to her flat screen television. Bored, she does as I did and types, "find friends," in her search engine. She finds the same person I found in my search and introduces herself as an 11-year-old girl from Idaho. I suspect the receiver of this message will respond differently to the little girl from Idaho than he did the school principal and psychotherapist writing a column for a local newspaper.

When counseling parents who struggle with the behavior of a child I often ask, "What does your child's bedroom look like?" I almost always receive the predicted response. "My kid has a bed, some books, toys and a computer, but only for schoolwork, an old TV, an Xbox and a couch. That's about it." The response is almost an apology. "A computer but only for schoolwork and an old TV," really?

I believe most parents understand that putting technology into a child's bedroom separates the child from the family and creates isolation but, the parent often caves to a child's demand or a perceived social expectation. The tug of a child's emotional pleas and the sense of offering one's kid all the world has to offer is a strong urge to overcome. I beg you to find the strength to say no!

A technological oasis with no supervision is not a safe environment for a child. A parent who allows a child to close the bedroom door when the bedroom has a computer with Internet access, a gaming system hooked up to the Internet and a smartphone is the same as allowing a child to walk the streets of San Francisco at 2 in the morning. Rude, crude, nefarious, evil-minded and negatively life-changing people have access to your child without your supervision.

At the conference I attended, the following recommendations are made:

* If your child has a cellphone, take it from the child when he or she goes to bed, even if the child is 17 years old, and return it to the child fully charged in the morning. If your child is often tired during the day, it is probably because he or she was talking with a friend at 1 in the morning.

* Place all of the computers in the home in a public place. If a child needs or wants to use a computer, the adults in the family can view the contents.

* No one except the parent can delete the history from a computer. If the history is deleted, assume that the child viewed an inappropriate site.

* Bedrooms are for sleeping, relaxing and reading. There is no technology in bedrooms.

* Families should eat at the dinner table as a family. Families that eat together, tend to have better relationships.

Removing technology from a child's bedroom encourages the child to join the family for his or her emotional and social needs. When a family is supportive, talks together, works together and debates differences, a child often feels loved, valued and important. When a child feels loved, valued and important, high-risk behavior decreases. When a child is isolated, lonely, involved with negative people and allowed to hide away in a bedroom, high-risk behavior increases.

The equation is simple; remove technology from the bedroom to increase positive behavior or leave technology in the bedroom to decrease positive behavior. What is hard is making the change. Think of removing technology from your child's bedroom as the difference between the common cold and cancer.

The common cold is an acute disorder. You hate it when you have it but you know it will be gone in a week or two and you will feel fine in the future. Cancer is a chronic disorder. If not cared for, it will continue indefinitely until it kills you. I suggest one accept the acute discomfort of removing technology from a child's room as you and your child will feel better in the future. Allowing technology to remain in a child's bedroom may have a long-term, negative effect that can kill the positive parenting one has worked hard to instill in a child's life.

Be brave, accept the short-term discomfort and remove all technology from your child's bedroom. The negative result will only hurt for a little while, while the positive effect will last a lifetime.

Send comments or other suggestions to William Rutherford at [email protected] or visit pensiveparenting.com.