How to handle toxic people

Even when you love them, toxic people cast dark shadows over others that transform sunny days, even lifetimes, into miserable monsoons.

Thursday's column aimed to identify them. Next is how to cope with them, if one must.

Counselors and self-help experts agree that avoiding toxic people is best. What if they aren't easily avoided, such as coworkers or close relatives?

Bestselling co-author of "Emotional Intelligence 2.0" Dr. Travis Bradberry writes we must reverse toxic people's (conscious or subconscious) control of situations and relationships. He says successful, happy people employ certain common practices to cope with toxic people:

They set limits. Complainers and negative people wallow, ignoring potential solutions because being pitied makes them feel better about themselves. They're usually rewarded, because others equate not doing so with being uncaring or rude. There's a fine line between lending an ear and getting dragged down into negative spirals. Avoid this by setting limits: listen once, then distance yourself. Offer solutions, then move on if unaccepted.

They don't die in the fight. Successful people know how important it is to live to fight another day. Allow yourself to live positively by avoiding the "conflicts" of emotion toxic people create; such interactions can cause lasting damage.

They rise above. Toxic people drive others bananas because their behavior is irrational. The more irrational, the easier it should be to ignore their traps. Don't try to beat them at their own game; instead, emotionally distance yourself. Approach interactions as a science project. Respond to facts, not the emotional chaos.

They are self-aware. Maintaining emotional distance while retaining reasonable compassion requires self-awareness. Know your own buttons so you know when they're being pushed. Buy time when needed to turn them off. If you can't walk away, nod and be silent until you can.

They establish boundaries. Dr. Bradberry says this is often hardest. People feel that because they work or live with someone toxic, they have no control. Not so. Once you "rise above," you'll become better able to predict their patterns, think rationally about when and where you must face them, and when you needn't. Boundaries of time and place must be established consciously and proactively. All that will happen naturally is continued status quo. Hold fast to boundaries when the person tries to encroach upon them, which they will.

They don't let anyone limit their joy. When man's sense of pleasure and satisfaction are derived from the others, he is not his own master; happiness becomes elusive. When emotionally intelligent people feel good about something that they've done or experienced, however small, they won't let anyone's opinions or snide remarks take that away from them.

Self-worth ultimately comes from within. That means it's 100 percent self-controlled.

They use their support system. Everyone needs friends. Toxic people create a higher-than-normal stress load, so there's no shame in tapping into a support system to gain perspective when needed.

They focus on solutions. Focus determines emotional state. We need only identify problems; after that the focus must be on solutions to avoid negativity and stress. Focusing on actions to better one's self and circumstances creates a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress. This, too, is catching.

With toxic people, fixating on how difficult they are gives them power. Focusing instead on handling them reverses who's in control and reduces the stress of interactions.

They don't forget. Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but not forget. Forgiveness means letting go and moving on. It doesn't mean giving wrongdoers another chance. Successful people learn and apply; they're unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by others' mistakes and are assertive in protecting themselves from future harm.

They squash negative self-talk. Avoid absorbing negativity. It's natural to feel bad about how we are treated, but self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify negativity or help move past it.

"Don't fight with narrow-minded people; be determined to compel them to change their mindsets about who you stand to be, not by arguments, but by focusing on what you do every day. If they change it, fine; if they don't, fine. The good news is that you are pursuing excellence." - Israelmore Ayivor

Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at [email protected].