Shield and the sword
"Don't use your shield, use your sword," coach Frank Vogel tells his Indiana Pacers prior to their first game of the NBA Eastern Conference Finals against the Miami Heat. The advice works as the Pacers defeat the Heat in a seldom-contested, one-sided game. The players' swords are sharp and skillfully mastered as they easily defeat the two-time world champions.
The Pacers work harder on offense than defense, accept a few blows by the high-scoring Heat all-stars but resolve to offer more strikes than they receive. The Pacers refuse to be victims and choose to be empowered.
I mull this advice through my brain all day and am beginning to embrace its power. Too often one allows others to degrade, belittle and demean. We use our shield to deflect the hurtful words and smile to dismiss the pain. Crying in our bedroom to shield the world from the emotional anguish caused by uncaring friends, family and lovers creates a downward spiral of depression, helplessness and hopelessness.
Most seldom understand the hurt caused by words and actions. When a spouse sarcastically jokes of one's appearance, the victim might joke back to deflect the hurtful words but, the words still hurt. The shield used to deflect the pain begins to degrade and eventually erodes into a thin veil unable to protect, resulting in an emotional explosion, silent withdrawal or escape.
Researcher John Gottman identifies people who attack and victims who shield the attack with defense mechanisms. He calls these shields the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
* Criticism - an attacker uses criticism to hurt the one he loves. In criticism, one frames his complaint as if there's something defective in his partner. There is a direct implication that something is wrong with one's partner's character.
* Defensiveness - when one feels under attack, one will shield the attack by being defensive. Defensiveness is an attempt to protect oneself; to defend one's innocence or to ward off a perceived attack. Sometimes it is done by counter-attacking or by whining.
* Stonewalling - in stonewalling, the listener withdraws from the interaction while staying in the room. There is an effort not to give a clue that he or she is even listening. The stonewaller might look to the side, not maintain eye contact or cross one's arms. People often stonewall because they become overwhelmed internally - what Gottman calls "Flooded." Their heartbeat races, they stop thinking clearly and they get highly agitated.
* Contempt - contempt includes things like threats, name calling and insulting.
As Vogel suggests, the sword is more effective than the shield. It is better to lead the attack rather than be attacked. It is better to be in charge of one's life than allow others to control and manipulate but, leading the attack has limits.
As one wields her sword, she must do so masterfully and with purpose. One will find success if her sword is used assertively, not aggressively; is used in kindness, not in contempt or criticism; and if her sword is used to show emotional power and strength, not spite or meanness.
One who is empowered is in charge of his or her life. One who is not empowered allows others to control his or her life. Become empowered. Grab the sword, raise it in the air and yell, "I'm in charge of me!"
Send comments or other suggestions to Bill Rutherford at [email protected].