Thursday, March 28, 2024
37.0°F

Urgent warning to employers

| March 21, 2014 9:00 PM

An insidious two-hour virus is headed to Kootenai County today, a plague of pandemic proportions.

According to experts, the virus renders afflicted citizens almost useless for approximately 120 minutes.

The virus precludes individuals from performing any kind of work. Driving under the influence of the illness is strongly discouraged, although radio reception has been known to ameliorate some of the more debilitating symptoms.

Oddly, the experts say, vocal chords function extremely well during the period of affliction. While actual work cannot be done, fine motor skills are exempt from the illness. Hand-eye coordination, specifically covering the distance between a beverage and the victim's mouth, has been known to work exceedingly well.

An early detection sign is employees huddled around the water cooler or coffee pot, chatting animatedly while displaying charts that may or may not be directly linked to the virus. Arguments and even physical confrontations have been known to break out before the illness manifests fully.

There is no vaccination for the virus, which is known by at least 64 names, nor is there any proven cure. Officials say it simply must run its course.

They also say the virus, first reported on the East Coast Thursday morning, will hit Kootenai County hardest at 1:40 p.m. today. Employers are urged to allow their workers to leave at 1:30 and return sometime around 4 p.m., when there might be lingering side effects but no possibility of further contagion - for today, anyway. The virus has been known to incubate for up to 48 hours before re-emerging, but officials can't predict the likelihood of that happening until later this afternoon.

Other employees could become symptomatic earlier or later today, so employers are advised that almost no actual production should be expected. Health officials can only guarantee that the virus will have completely vacated the U.S. by 10 p.m. April 7.