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Haff speaks of transformation

by KEITH COUSINS/Staff writer
| March 4, 2014 7:00 PM

COEUR d'ALENE - When Darleen Haff first walked through the doors of Union Gospel Mission in Coeur d'Alene and stood in the chapel under a large cross made with countless nails taken from log cabins, she was on the verge of a transformation.

Angry and struggling with substance abuse, Haff, 44, had built walls around herself. But she knew she had three options left - enter the program at the center, spend her life on the streets, or die.

Almost two years later, Haff is no longer that person. She smiles as she walks down the hallways of the mission and says hello to women newer to the program, who affectionately call her "mom."

Haff is, in her own words, now "stoked" about the life that awaits her as she moves out of the mission and joins five other women in the first graduating class of UGM's Coeur d'Alene program.

"Now I am to the point where it is move-out time," Haff said. "I can't wait to move out and get a job and have my own place. To just see the world from a different point of view. Besides the fact that it is a little scary out there, I am looking forward to it."

The chapel and its cross made of nails was a focal point in Haff's transformation. It was in that chapel, during the mission's community meetings, that she learned she wasn't as transparent about her life as she previously thought and began to break down the walls she put up to keep others, and herself, at bay.

"I was very grumpy when I came in here," Haff said. "It took me a long time to actually get God in there and work it a different way because that grumpiness was not working for me. That's a really huge piece for me. It feels freeing (to break down the walls) because I am not too afraid anymore."

The chapel also taught Haff that she could have fun without the aid of substances. For six years, Haff said she often hosted karaoke nights.

"It was a downward spiral and it was so bad," Haff said. "It was the night life for me and in order to do the night life, I had to get into the drugs and the drinking."

When she found out that many of the women at the program were going to have a karaoke night, Haff said she couldn't believe it.

"It was kind of crazy, I asked them if they were seriously going to karaoke without having a drink," Haff said. "But it was just so much fun to see it happen. It was just so exciting because I am so used to that being really dark."

There were also moments of heartache and tragedy during her time at the mission. But Haff said that God used those moments to help shape her and set her on her current path.

"I lost one of my best friends here and we had her memorial in this room," Haff said. "She was my best friend. Her name was Julie Marks. I had a great time with her and she died from smoking. We both talked to each other all the time and would convince each other to stay in the program. She left a mark."

In the past, Haff said she would have coped with the loss of Marks by going to the bar. It was how she coped with the death of her mother prior to leaving Florida and heading to Coeur d'Alene.

"My mom is right here," Haff said while pointing to a cross necklace that contains some of her mother's ashes. "I put her in there myself and I was really drunk when I did it. From that to now, dealing with loss is something God told me I actually have to deal with and he taught me how to do that."

On June 17, Haff will graduate from UGM and she said she has a lot to look forward to. The vocational program, taught by one of more than 150 volunteers, gave her insight into what she would like to do for a career. Not surprisingly for Debi Pauletto, UGM Community Relations Director, Haff said she wants to help women and children who are in predicaments similar to hers get their lives back on track by opening a home for them to serve as a safe place.

On a personal level, Haff said she received an answered prayer in the form of a phone call from her son, to whom she hadn't spoken in years. Her son told her that she is going to be a grandma soon.

"I can't wait to be a grandparent," Haff said.

But when she goes out into the world, she won't be leaving UGM behind. Pauletto was quick to say that for at least a year, Haff will still have access to support systems similar to what she had while living at the mission.

"All most people need is a chance," Pauletto said. "That's what we give them here."

For more information on the program, or to donate, contact UGM at their Coeur d'Alene offices at (208) 665-4673.