Cigs and music

Tonight I sit in my office listening to the music application Pandora on my computer and search for the meaning of my life. With each song, my eyes begin to tear as I become emotionally charged remembering the people who have left my life this past year. Needing to think deeply, I dismiss songs about cars, the beach, happy days and children playing as entertainment and press NEXT, searching for songs about love, death, purpose and God.

I have a strong desire to live life to its fullest. Emotionally important tunes help me understand why I am on this Earth and why I am important. Vapid, emotionless tunes have little importance in my life tonight.

This past year my mother and father both died due to the evils of capitalistic American companies selling cancer infested cigarettes to poorly educated and addicted patrons. Tonight I question why my parents were ripped from my arms at such a young age; I search for the meaning of my life.

I purposely decide not to grieve the loss of my parents this past year. My job requires all of my attention and many people depend on me to be a solid rock and not an emotional wreck. For this reason, I decide to wait for my summer vacation to grieve. To some this might sound heartless but this decision is necessary for me to positively navigate my busy life.

Tonight I allow myself to think; to grieve the loss of my parents. With my parents' death I question my mortality. Questions rush into my brain with each passing song. What is the meaning of life? Why am I on this Earth? Can I make a positive difference in someone's life? Is my presence on Earth worth the oxygen I extract from this planet's atmosphere? Is making a difference in one's life worth my existence?

I will join my parents in heaven in the next 30 or 40 years; if I'm lucky. The end of my life is inevitable. Will my next decade, generation or quarter-life be worth living? Is living important? Can I make a difference in this world in my next quarter-century?

Will or can I make a difference in the world or am I asking the wrong question? Do I need to make a difference in the world in which I live or should I focus on making a positive difference in the lives of the people who are important to me? My wife, child, grandchildren, family and friends deserve the best of me. Offering me to the people who mean the most to me should be my focus. Life is more about giving than receiving.

My brain is beginning to hurt. I turn off my music, save this document, power-down my computer and take a mental break. I pick up my Martin guitar and begin singing a senseless tune to my 5-month-old granddaughter as she giggles with amazement. My simple song about Christopher Robin living on Pooh Corner is more than this child's little mind can handle. She laughs, throws her head back and giggles, then grabs for my guitar and attempts to strum the strings. At this exact moment, I am alive! In this moment, my existence is important to an innocent little child. My life does have purpose.

Possibly, attempting to make a positive difference to the world as a whole is an unmanageable task but, I can make a positive difference to the people who are important to me. I have two choices; I can allow life to happen, accept challenges and successes as they come to me and simply give my life to happenstance or I can take the time to think, to offer to the people who love me the best of me and to praise every moment I'm allowed to be on this Earth. I choose the latter. This is what my parents would want from me.

Send comments or other suggestions to Bill Rutherford at bprutherford@hotmail.com or visit pensiveparenting.com.