THE FRONT ROW with Mark Nelke Jan. 19, 2014
In a small town in Idaho recently, a couple of weary travelers wound up seated next to each other at local "gathering" place.
As strangers are wont to do, they started to make small talk. The conversation went well, until the subject of hometowns came up.
One was from Seattle. The other, from San Francisco. Suddenly, the temperature in the room went up about five degrees.
Seattle Guy: "We're going to kick your butt on Sunday."
San Francisco Guy: "Yeah, good luck with that."
Seattle Guy: "You have to come to our house. Hardly anybody comes into our house and wins. Our stadium is LOUD. I'm part of the 12th man."
S.F. Guy: "Congratulations. Maybe you guys win so much because your defense is really, really good."
Seattle Guy: "Yeah, I don't hear anybody talking about Candlestick Park like it was designed by a structural genious."
S.F. Guy: "Hey, it survived an actual earthquake, not that stuff that you guys do at games. Your fans had better hope your stadium is designed well."
Seattle Guy: "At least our stadium isn't going to be demolished soon."
S.F. Guy: "Have you been to Candlestick? Our 49ers made a lot of great memories there, but the neighborhood is scary. While they have the wrecking ball there, perhaps they can knock over part of the neighborhood as well."
Seattle Guy: "And who dresses your coach, anyway? Sharpie hanging from his neck, and he buys $8 pants at Walmart?"
S.F. Guy: "Hey, you find a good pair of pants, wherever they are, you buy them -- you never know how long they are going to make them. Like those side-elastic jeans from J.C. Penney. Great pants. Now they don't make they anymore. Tragic."
Seattle Guy: "You wouldn't see our coach dressing like that."
S.F. Guy: "Yeah, he has other issues - like fleeing USC before the hammer went down on that program. But he's got you within one game of the Super Bowl, so everything is OK."
(A few tables away, a Washington State fan slowly wakes up. It looks like he's been there a while.
"Ohhhhh, that New Mexico Bowl," he mutters, then plops his face back down on the table.)
Seattle Guy: "And our quarterback is better than yours, too. We'll fluster him, and make him throw interceptions."
S.F. Guy: "Or, he'll throw touchdown passes and break off long runs; who knows? What about your QB? He seems almost too good to be true. There must be some dirt on him somewhere. Right now, all we can find is, then named a hot dog after him. That's not much to work with."
Seattle Guy: "Yep, we ended up with a good one there."
S.F. Guy: "And why do you have to have such yappers on your team? Can't they just make a good play, and return to the huddle? Can't that cornerback and that wide receiver suddenly develop lockjaw? And two of your yappers came from Utah State. Sorry, if you had to play your college football at Utah State, you can't yap."
Seattle Guy: "It's not like you have a bunch of angels on your team. Your wide receiver goes ballistic every time he makes a catch. And didn't your ace pass rusher have to miss a few games for ... "
S.F. Guy: "OK, OK, point taken. Let's just let this game Sunday be decided on the field -- not by who can make the most noise."
Seattle Guy: "It would be even more special to go to the Super Bowl by beating our biggest rival."
S.F. Guy: "Puh-leeze. We didn't even know you guys were in our division until a couple of years ago. We've had our share of rivals -- the Rams, the Cowboys, the Packers ... "
At that point, it was time for the weary travelers to leave. Turns out, they both visit the other's towns on business.
Seattle guy: "Let's hook up next time you're in my neck of the woods. I know a place down by the water that serves salmon chowder to die for. Just don't wear red."
S.F. Guy: "It's a deal. Look me up when you're in San Francisco. I know a place that has some yummy chocolate. Just don't wear that No. 12 jersey."
Mark Nelke is sports editor of The Press. He can be reached by phone at 664-8176, Ext. 2019, or via email at [email protected]. Follow him on Twitter at CdAPressSports.