The new year

I shiver in bed this morning realizing my home is colder than expected. Searching for heat, I throw back my covers, put on my robe and slippers and search for warmth. I look at the thermostat which reads 59 degrees and begin to explore why the controller refuses to turn on the heat. Foggy from a night of restless sleep, I start pressing buttons with no success.

Understanding the source of warmth comes from the gas furnace in my basement, I shuffle downstairs to troubleshoot. I remove the access panel, expecting to notice something simple disconnected or misaligned, with disappointment. As a cave man searching for the miracle of fire, I look to light the pilot light which I quickly learn my heater does not have. What next?

I grunt examining the circuit breaker ensuring electricity is available, look at the heater for sign of ignition and wiggle wires and cables attempting to reconnect possible loose connections to no avail. Frustrated and cold, I raise the white flag and surrender to this year - 2013 has won and I have lost. This has been a miserable year!

Being Sunday, a historically expensive day to make a HVAC service call, I turn on a space heater in my family room so I can watch the Seahawks play the Rams, and light the fireplace in my living room so my wife can finish her murder-mystery in comfort, put thermal underwear on under my PJs and settle in for a cold winter day.

Physically and emotionally mad at the world this Sunday morning I yell, "What else can go wrong?" Failure floods my mind as all things bad in my life consume me.

Watching my father die last year was painful. Holding my mother's hand as she took her final breath last month hurts worse. I struggle with my importance and value at work when notified that while others receive a pay raise this month my pay is cut due to an accounting error. My sister is in constant pain battling terminal cancer while raising her granddaughter, and while focused this past half-year on my mother's health I allow my health to suffer.

Dwelling in self-pity and sadness, I resign to lay on the couch in my basement covered with blankets, turn off the light and hide away from life.

After five minutes of destructive, self-loathing thoughts laying in my blanket cocoon I have an overwhelming need to feel alive. I jump off the couch and head upstairs to find my wife asking, "What's for breakfast?"

"Sausage, egg and cheese biscuit sandwiches," I enthusiastically announce and begin to cook. As quickly as the sorrow and feelings of helplessness enter my brain they disappear. I cognitively decide not to let the sadness of the past affect today. I make a decision to live a joyful life and not allow negative actions control my emotions.

It is natural for our thinking to negatively control our emotions and behavior but if we believe we have free-will, we must also accept that we have control over how we deal with positive and negative events in our life. Four psychological mechanisms help explain our cognition in stressful situations. I call these mechanisms the Four Corners of Negative Thoughts.

* Learned helplessness - a person who believes that he or she is ineffectual, his or her responses are futile and control over reinforcers in the environment has been lost. The person believes he or she has no options for positive growth or the ability to leave a negative situation because his or her present situation is so dire that there can't be any other viable option but to stay. The person often thinks, "If I can live through this, things must be OK, this must me as good as life can be." Examples might include a battered wife who refuses to leave her abuser because she believes she is not worthy of better or deserves the abuse because she is not a "good wife." Another example might include one growing up in poverty who learns success, education, fiscal security and safety are reserved for others who come from privileged lives. How might he or she find a better life when his or her parents, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles all live the same life of poverty? This person is helpless to improve.

* Negative self-talk - Evelyn Limm believes most of us live in constant mental chatter. We talk to ourselves all day long and, unfortunately, this self-talk is frequently negative. Often it is tainted with guilt about our past or anxiety about our future. This negativity can destroy any seed of hope that we may otherwise have in striving for our dreams.

Our actions are inspired by our thoughts. If we can change the way we think, we can begin to change the actions we take. It is human nature to seek personal growth; whether financially, emotionally, physically or spiritually. Practicing positive self-talk can help us set in motion actions that will bring us greater rewards.

* Situational depression - an episode of emotional and psychological depression that occurs in response to a specific set of external conditions or circumstances. Humans should be sad when we suffer a great loss - the death of a parent, dog, friend or child. The loss of a relationship, divorce, job loss or a home robbery can all cause situational depression. The struggle with situational depression is when a year has passed and the individual is emotionally living the sad event as if it happened yesterday. When a person struggles to emotionally free his or her brain of constant depressive thoughts help is required to heal.

* Catastrophic thinking - ruminating about irrational worst-case outcomes. Needless to say, it can increase anxiety and prevent people from taking action in a situation where action is required. This can be especially true in a crisis situation. When one uses self-talk to remind one that they are, "The worst friend ever, the dumbest person in the world, that if I fail this test I will be a failure in life or that I am too ugly to date anyone nice," puts the weight of the world on one issue or outcome. Expecting catastrophic failure if things don't work out as expected causes learned helplessness.

Is it OK to be sad, angry, mad or frustrated? Absolutely! Life is a roller coaster of emotion and without highs and lows, life would be stagnate and boring. What's not OK is when one falsely creates sadness, anger, madness and frustration because of flawed thinking.

I can dwell on my parent's death and live in a depressive state of sorrow and sadness or I can mourn their loss and celebrate the life they lived. I can remain angry and challenge my professional value due to my reduction in pay or be thankful that I have a wonderful profession which rewards me intrinsically every day. I can celebrate my hilarious grandkids and my new granddaughter due next month or sit and complain about a furnace that doesn't work. I get to decide if I am going to live in sadness or celebrate life. I choose life!

Send comments or other suggestions to Bill Rutherford at [email protected].