Giving thanks

I remember waking at five o'clock on Christmas morning as a 4-year-old, excited to see if I made Santa's good list. Still wearing slipper-socks and pajamas unwrapped the night before; I quietly peek from my bedroom door to see my sister sitting under our Christmas tree. Waking earlier than I, she plugs in the tree lights and stares at the multicolored glass bulbs sparkling on the tree. I quietly sit next to her and am mesmerized by the twinkle of the glass bulbs that redirect their light to the shiny paper and ribbon under the evergreen. We look at each other and smile. For this memory, I am thankful.

Standing at the altar of the Tuolumne Methodist Church with my best friend and best man James, I wait in anticipation as my fiancee prepares to walk down the aisle of the church. Rush's "Broon's Bane," plays on an acoustic guitar as my fiancee links arms with her father. The double doors of the parsonage open and the guests react with awe and tears as my beautiful wife begins her journey to my side. Halfway through the ceremony it begins to rain. The pounding of the storm on the tin roof is so loud it becomes difficult to hear the minister. My wife and I look into each other's eyes and smile. For this memory, I am thankful.

The maternity nurse warns me to quickly leave the surgery if my child is in stress so they can save her life. I decide to stay no matter what happens. Standing in the operating room, combing my wife's hair with my fingers I look over the sheet separating my wife's head from her body to see the surgeon gently raise my screaming daughter from my wife's midsection. The doctor declares, "This girl has healthy lungs, do you want to cut the cord?" I take three snips with the scissors as tears roll down my face.

A nurse cleans the body of our new family member, places her in a bassinet and asks if I wish to walk with him to the nursery. I accept the offer and on our journey the nurse laughs, "Looks like you have yourself a redhead. She's going to be full of fire." I reply, "I hope so!" Again, I am thankful for this moment.

Giving and accepting thanks feels good. I can remember vividly, important thankful experiences from my past while struggling to accept thanks from those who offer it. Being humble, unworthy, self-deprecating, embarrassed or egocentric prevents one from accepting the kindness of others while offering kindness liberally.

I am learning the gift of accepting gratitude. I feel a warm fuzzy feeling in my belly when a person offers a thank you but have dismissed the offer in the past as unimportant or me being unworthy of the offer. Now I understand the thanks is as important for the messenger as it is for the intended receiver. If a person offers gratitude, it is often offered from the heart and if not graciously received, the sender feels unfulfilled.

Psychology Today suggests one follow the guidelines below to accept and offer gratitude while gaining personal acceptance.

* If someone thanks you, accept the thanks graciously. Let the person know you appreciate being thanked. That's all you need to do. Really.

* If you find that difficult, think about why gratitude makes you uncomfortable. Do you not feel worthy of being thanked? In my study of personal fulfillment in midlife, I identified a subgroup of people whose own fulfillment was hampered by their lack of faith in their own worth. Chronic feelings of inadequacy can make it difficult for people to benefit from any thanks that come their way.

* Look for small things to be grateful for. Not all acts of kindness have a capital "K." A driver who lets you ease into a busy highway deserves a wave just as much as someone who holds open a door when you're loaded with packages. A smile will boost your GQ (Gratitude Quotient) and make both of you feel better.

* Don't fret about gratitude infractions. If you forget to send a thank you note don't worry about it and certainly don't use elapsed time as an excuse to avoid the task altogether. Send a quick email of thanks. If you're a chronic forgetter, though, you might try to figure out why. By the same token, if someone forgets to thank you, don't ruminate over it, thereby raising your GQ.

* Keep your thank yous short, sweet and easy to write. One reason people procrastinate about writing thank you notes is that they want them to be original and not seem hasty, insincere or ill conceived. This doesn't mean the thank you should be one that is short enough to tweet but if you don't build it up in your mind as having to be a magnum opus you'll be less inclined to put it off.

Whatever you do, don't make excuses or lie about having sent a thank you that you never did.

Being thankful requires acknowledgement. If a person in your life does something to make your life more important or purposeful, acknowledge their role in your betterment. Send a note, look into their eyes and truly say thanks, email or offer a public declaration of their importance. This announcement of thanksgiving completes the cycle of kindness.

The cycle of kindness perpetuates itself. When one is thankful for important life memories and casually kind offerings, one tends to easily and readily offer thankfulness to those around them. Thanksgiving becomes a warm and inviting virus that slowly and contagiously infects all fortunate enough to be emotionally close to the creator's heart.

Send comments or other suggestions to William Rutherford at [email protected] or visit pensiveparenting.com.