New 'Turtles' a cowa-bummer for diehard fan

I am a grown adult. I have kids and a wife and otherwise live a fairly normal life.

I am also a diehard fan of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Such a claim can mean a lot of things to people of my generation. For many it means they were fans as kids - collecting the toys and clamoring over the original cartoon.

I was that Turtle fan, but now I'm something much more. I still love the characters, albeit for completely different reasons. Because the Turtles are often dismissed as dumb, toy fodder, I always feel the need to defend it and enlighten those to the better iterations of the franchise.

In the right hands, the Turtles can be well-drawn characters in thoughtful and entertaining storylines. I'm drawn to those stories in part because of my nostalgia for the franchise. I'm able to get that jolt of excitement I had as a kid without having to sit through the overly idiotic content I watched as a kid.

Everything great about Turtles starts with the original black and white comics, notably the earliest issues by creators Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird, as well as their sprawling "City at War" storyline. These stories were gritty and character-focused but also knew how to poke fun at the common comic book tropes of the time period.

I also cite the 2003 animated series, which drew stories from those original comics and steered away from the silliness and assembly line cheapness of the first cartoon.

Now we have the current Nickelodeon series, which draws from the goofy mutant mayhem of the first cartoon but does so without sacrificing the character work and comic-inspired storytelling that made the second series so strong.

Finally, the current comic book series published by IDW does a terrific job remixing all aspects of the franchise. It takes a serious, character-based approach, infuses even more Japanese influence than all previous incarnations and still has time for menacing versions of mutant buffoons, Bebop and Rocksteady.

I cite all this as to justify the Turtles' existence in popular culture. Yes, they are silly characters, but plenty of talented people have told interesting stories about them.

Now we have Paramount's big screen, CGI-nostriled Ninja Turtles courtesy of producer Michael Bay and a protege director who had no qualms following the same nonsensical "Bayhem" aesthetic that propelled the "Transformers" franchise to billions at the box office.

The diehard Turtle fan in me will enjoy any big screen iteration to some degree, but this isn't the Turtle movie for me. The things I love about the franchise are nowhere to be found in the new movie. It exists only for kids who don't yet understand the fundamentals of storytelling and why character shouldn't be an afterthought in big budget entertainment.

For one, the Turtles are supporting characters in a movie titled "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." The film focuses instead on April O'Neill (Megan Fox), and the Turtles don't appear onscreen for almost the entire first act. When they finally do appear, they don't really have a story arc — just an extension of April's adventures.

The movie makes no effort to develop the Turtles outside the "Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines..." logline. The movie assumes you know the Turtles' individual quirks and therefore doesn't bother with building character or conflict between the brothers.

Near the end of the film, Raphael (the one with the red bandanna) has a long speech where he talks about being angry and giving his brothers a hard time - things that aren't actually depicted in the movie.

The movie's biggest misstep is its abandonment of the Turtles' Japanese roots. The Turtles have no connection to the Japanese characters of Hamato Yoshi or Oroku Saki - the central figures in every previous incarnation of the franchise.

Oroku Saki (the Shredder in previous incarnations) had a specific beef with Splinter and the Turtles based on a past rivalry with Hamato Yoshi. In the new movie, Shredder is just a generic Asian guy with vague aspirations for world domination.

I'm not against origin changes if it serves a clear purpose for a narrative, but the movie has no reason for it. My guess is the filmmakers thought the backstory was unnecessary for a 90-minute kid movie. That's especially frustrating given how the Nickelodeon series (also for kids) made the Yoshi-Saki rivalry the central conflict of the entire show.

I could go on and on about all the little things that bother me about this movie (and I have - check out the link listed at the bottom of this article). But why bother? The new "Ninja Turtles" is just a lazy, poorly made movie. The story is muddled and simplistic, the action hyper-stylized to the point of exhaustion and the comic relief hits at a less-than-30 percent rate.

All my other nitpicks don't matter because the film itself is so poorly constructed.

Alas, there is always a silver lining. The popularity of the film, which has already earned a sequel, will allow the good iterations of the franchise to continue. More people will see the Nickelodeon show and some might even check out the IDW comics.

My only hope is that other, more prominent fans of the franchise speak out and often about the crimes committed in the new movie. The franchise has so much more to offer, and the diehard fans, nostalgia junkies and kids who don't know better all deserve something better.

Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com. To read a longer, nerdier version of this article, visit www.NorthwestPodcasts.com.