Holidays aren't all goodness and light
As uplifting as the holiday season is for some, it can be that much more stressful - and dangerous - for others. Part stress, part spike in excuses to drink alcohol, and part depression (comparing one's disappointments to happy faces or ostensibly "perfect" families), the compassionate should be mindful that not all homes have beds of roses.
It's ironic, but statistically speaking, calls to domestic violence hotlines drop during the holidays. Don't let that fool you. This is more about keeping the peace in precarious times than it is actually experiencing it. If discovered, asking for help may itself become a trigger for a violent reaction, in anger at the attempt.
Living in a home with domestic violence is like walking on broken glass. What mood will dad (or mom) come home in? What will set him/her off today? Because abuse is not rational it's anybody's guess, so treading gingerly becomes an art form. Victims often do anything to avoid a scene and are thus less likely to get help, to spare (or hide reality from) family visitors and so the kids don't spend Thanksgiving or Christmas in a shelter.
Healthy people don't need to dominate or harm others, but abusers are broken people. That holiday stress and depression, especially when combined with alcohol, just exacerbates pre-existing mental problems, so the holidays can become the worst of times. Proof of that comes just after the holidays, when according to the National Coalition for Domestic Violence, shelters and hotlines generally see an increase in pleas for help. The same holds true for rape and sexual abuse, according to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network.
Don't think this happens only in low-income echelons. Yes, it's true that economic stresses trigger explosive behavior, but the tendency toward that behavior is not born of economic factors. If there is any difference, it may be that higher-income families tend to hide it better. Why, I am not sure; perhaps it has something to do with social expectations, or less credibility ("nice," professional people don't abuse, do they?). I can only say that I witnessed that first-hand. That no one knew about what life was like in that home - not even close relatives. Even today.
So what's the advice, if this is familiar? Short of shelter and 911, NCDV suggests planning: Identify easy exits from the house. Establish code words with children who can run to neighbors for help if necessary. Consider locations, perhaps to draw an argument to a safer room. The kitchen is the worst place (boiling liquid, knives, heavy pans within reach).
And if you suspect someone may tend toward abuse or seems to have a bad temper (those who've experienced it recognize it sometimes in the victim more than the abuser - those downcast or timid eyes which look trepidatiously at him/her), offer the family your home or say "yes" if invited over; your presence may spare them. And if you host a party, maybe avoid offering another drink to the one whose spouse looks so uncomfortable. You may get a silent "thank you" from a surprising source.
Kootenai County Crisis Line: 664-1443
Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at [email protected].